A week or two ago I took this girl out for drinks that I met on Bumble. It was on a whim and I wasn’t too sure what the fuck might happen but I’m trying to be open to new things as much as possible. So obviously just going for it was the only answer. Or was it?
So this tall blonde walks into the bar and sits down in front of me. She’s very done up, maybe a little too much makeup, but I didn’t look amazing so I couldn’t stand to be too critical. We order a drink and start talking about the usual first date stuff. She’s from the area, she’s taking classes at a local school, and she works as a nanny.
Sometimes when guys swipe on Bumble all they really have to do is speed swipe. If the girl matches you, try to unmatch her if you aren’t interested. I don’t do that too often. But this was a product of one of those speed swipes and while I wasn’t disappointed with the end result, I failed to really read her intro.
This girl’s age said 24 and she was actually 22! Now I’ve hooked up with college girls recently (temper down, they were all of age), but there’s no reason to lie about being 22 and Bumble hasn’t been around that long, right? Or is it because it’s connected to Facebook and she was lying about her age to get guys on there? Who knows? But it’s something that stuck out to me.
So we order drinks and she gets a whiskey while I’m already drinking beers from prior to her arrival. We start talking about dating experiences and how some people suck and she of course commiserates with me on the shitty people that can’t pay for themselves and how she wanted to make it on her own. But then she proceeds to tell me she lives with her parents. Okay, no big deal. Everyone goes home at some point (or a lot of people). No judgment there.
After talking more about dates I let it be known that part of my serial dating habit is my inability to say no. I just have trouble shutting off potential options. And then out of nowhere she says, “So will you lick my asshole?”
I looked at her dumbfounded and thought about it for a second. Was this chick for real? Was she fucking with me? There really could’ve been tons of reasons she said it but I didn’t know what the fuck to think. So I said a simple “no”. Her reaction was somewhere between upset and confused. But what the fuck did she expect? She pulls out little airplane bottles of white wine and slugs them back and leaves them on the table. She then gets up and goes to the bathroom for 5 or so minutes, which was spent on her phone with her friend and taking selfies that she posted on Instagram (true story).
So we get the check and I pay for drinks and she says, “That waitress was great. You should give her a good tip”. So I give her 20-ish percent and we head to another place. This time she finds a bartender she recognizes from high school and begins to talk about how the girl used to bully her. The bartender becomes perplexed (probably because she wasn’t very smart) and finally blames the high school bullying on some other chick who is apparently sucking at life with kids and several baby daddies.
There’s trivia going on and she doesn’t know what Trivia Night is so she walks up the emcee and asks for a team slip to answer some question about Earth’s crust or some shit that she “knows” is right. She writes down the answer and then gives me the paper and tells me to go turn it in. She gets the answer wrong and then pretends there’s no game going on. So we get the next check and again insists I leave a good tip. She orders the Uber on her phone so thankfully I’m done paying for this freeloader and we make our way back to my house for some extra-curriculars. On the short ride home she decides she’s going to give her driver from earlier in the evening a 20 dollar gift card to 7-11 and proceeds to write some offensive, likely racist note to the dude.
We get back to my place and one of my roommates is hanging out on the couch. He’s a nice kid. Real laid back and such but obviously tired from a long day of work. Dude had no interest in talking to this broad. She doesn’t care. She starts talking loudly (it’s 11-ish and another roommate is sleeping because people are serious in DC, ha) and so before she can make too much of a scene I grab her hand and take her upstairs. Once in my room she claims she needs to use the bathroom. After another 5 to 10 minute break she emerges and starts making out with me and eventually goes down on me.
She mentioned prior in the evening how she only fucks guys on the first date that she never wants to see again and claimed that she wanted this to be different. I was open to the idea so I didn’t push anything. That was until she ripped my pants off and shoved me inside her. Then she did the most peculiar thing. She grabbed her phone WHILE I WAS FUCKING HER and Facetimed her gay friend (whom she playfully referred to as Diarrhea-he was Latino and I’m guessing he had some normal name that she chose to be offensive with).
I couldn’t keep having sex with her no matter how attractive she was or how much i just wanted to finish and send her on her way. So she stood up complaining and then left to use the bathroom again while handing me the phone. So here was standing naked alone in my room talking on Facetime with this random girl’s gay friend. This wasn’t awkward af.
She comes back in and wants to have more sex but I’m already too far gone and don’t think I could want to get it back up for this weird ass arrangement. So she whines a little more and tries to go down on me a little while longer before realizing it ain’t happenin’. And before I knew she had checked her phone and realized she had to be home. Why do you ask? Because she had 1 am curfew. That’s right! I was hanging out with some chick who had curfew and needed to be home. I help her get her stuff together and find her underwear (because that’s something you lose) and wait for her car at the door while my roommate laughs at me.
Needless to say I only heard from her again a day or two later and she’s pretty much ghosted since. It’s certainly better off that we haven’t hooked up again. But even now I wonder what would have happened if I had say “yes” to licking her asshole?