It’s All About Technique

blow job technique

So this story revolves around two girls I hooked up with like a month ago. I met this one chick off Tinder (yeah, that’s still a thing) and she was down to go to pound town from the get go. She had this weird charm and quirkyness that gave me the feeling she was gonna be a real tiger in bed.

So we get back to my place and she starts talking about how she wants to tease me. I say “okay” and go with the flow. As the kissing moves forward she talked about enjoying herself tonight and wanting to save herself for a second date (because apparently girls only fuck guys on the first date if they’re never going to see him again-because that makes any fucking sense).

Moving on. She starts going down on me and I can’t help but marvel at how impressively she opens her throat and takes it all in. Honestly, I didn’t think she had these kinds of skills. But there was little else to the method. She does her thing. I send her on her way. All is well.

The next day I decide to meet up with a woman more my age (because the other girl was like, let’s say 24) and this one has very specific ideas for what’s about to go down. The problem is she lives around the beltway (which in DC could mean 5 miles and 35 minutes). So I decide if we’re going to meet out for drinks I’ll be the gentleman and come to her.

This is a perfect follow up to last night’s adventure because of what happened on the drive down. Anyone driving from Virginia towards 495 knows it’s a pain in the ass once you have to start taking exits around Dulles. This particular instance involved not taking the right exit and going in the direction of Dulles (which is 13 miles of no exits!).

So I was on the wrong road for an additional 45 minutes and ended up finding myself very late. I call her up and she agrees to meet at her house rather than the bar we previously specified. I deserve some kind of bonus for driving an obscene amount of time out of my way.

I arrive in the garage for her apartment complex and after waiting what felt like 10 minutes for her to emerge, out of nowhere a voice calls my name and it’s Carol (only because I honestly don’t remember her name even though she gave me her last name too). So Carol walks up and grabs my head, sticks her tongue down my throat, and opens up her trench coat revealing her lacy lingerie. JACKPOT!

Or so I thought. We walk into her nice suburban apartment and we sit down with a glass of wine (I told you this bitch was older). We talk about some bullshit for a minute or two before I pick her up and take her to the bedroom. We go at it for a few minutes until I realize the condoms she supplied were terrible and I couldn’t feel a thing.

I was already starting to lose interest in the whole ordeal and so she starts going down on me. Immediately I think about the night before. The other girl opened her throat and really went for it. This girl used way too much teeth but made up for it with her willingness work the shaft and jerk while sucking (remember ladies, there’s a lot involved in fellatio). Then she started licking my balls.

And then I remembered I took a huge shit (more diarrhea than anything) before I left. I had the hot salsa on my burrito from Chipolte and it just killed me. And I don’t think I did a great job of wiping. I took a shower before the shit (i know i know, I’m a novice) and was in a rush to be late to this chick’s house.

So she’s busy sucking my dick and I start chuckling because she’s going down there and has no idea what’s in store. It’s not like straight guys get enemas. It’s never gonna be that clean and the thought of tossing salad repulses me. So she finally picks her head up and asks, “What’s so funny”? I adamantly deny that there’s anything in play and that she continue her business.

But she can’t stay focused. She gets up angrily and implores me to tell her what the deal is. I can’t and won’t tell her the truth. So I get up curiously and thank her for her hospitality. Then I high tail it the fuck out never to see the crazy broad again.

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