Fake Emergency

emergency call

So amidst my fall from grace and back to the world of single guys struggling to figure out what the fuck the dating game has got for them I’ve found some pretty interesting people. My Dad (and others) keeps encouraging me to write about it because it’s been pretty crazy and today (tonight?) really just hit home how much a serial dater I really am.

It’s like I’m addicted or something and really just have to hang out with someone to keep busy. Or it’s just that I have no friends and I seek attention and company from someone who’s supposed to be interested in getting to know me more. Just like the girl from tonight.

She spent the better part of the last couple days trying to get me interested in her quirky (but plain) personality and the intrigue of her pole dancing classes but lack of interest in sending me naked pictures. In some ways, not seeing things intrigues me more. In others, I just worry how bad it might be.

The other part of the issue wasn’t just that she was divorced with a 4 year old, it was that she lived nearly 90 minutes away in a podunk Northern Virginia town far removed the busy DC suburb I currently inhabit. So what does she want me to spontaneously do on a Saturday afternoon? You guessed it. What do I do? If guessed call up one of girls on call then you’d be wrong. Sadly.

So my dumb ass drives 70 miles away for a date with a girl who refused to send me any pictures. I give her a call to give the ETA and make sure she’s not secretly a man and she sounds normal but tells me how rural her area is and I start to geek out. I’m wondering who will greet me at the door and whether I’ll make it out alive. Seriously, shit was nerve racking.

I finally arrive at her modest home on several acres after several winding roads and I crawl up rocky/gravel driveway to see a girl who basically looks like her pictures waiting out front. We hug and say hello and she asks where I want to eat. Bitch only has pizza and a movie planned. In the car she informs me that her 4 year old might throw a temper tantrum and the ex can’t control her so she might need to leave and pick up the kid.

We go to eat and I dominate conversation. She literally has nothing to say. She laughed at what I had to say because I’m hilarious and I’m nice to look at. But she literally had nothing to say. She gets up to go to the bathroom and takes an ungodly amount of time.

I pay for the meal (which was 13 dollars! about the only good thing about the experience) and we get in her car to go to the movies or wherever the fuck she “planned” for us to go. Five minutes down the road (to wherever we are going because this shitty part of Virginia has no street lamps and my sense of direction blows) and she receives a phone call from some guy who apparently is her ex. He informs her that the kid is acting out and she has to pick the 4 year old up tonight.

My date is over before it started and I left the two fucking leftover pieces of pizza in that bitches car. What the fuck? I’m seriously more broken up about the pizza (not that it was good, but it was pizza). Fuck. So she obvi went to the bathroom and told her ex to call her with this bullshit excuse. But it’s cool. I was only going to pity-fuck her if I had to. And that would’ve only been if it had been later in the night because I didn’t feel like driving home.

So the moral of the story is; don’t go on dates with randoms that aren’t going to put out if they live more than 20 or 30 minutes away. Anything else is a waste of time. Hell, don’t even go on dates. You can get laid by hanging out with friends who are actually fun to hang out with that don’t want all the bullshit and effort that takes the fun out of it anyways.

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