When Beards Go Wrong

Facial hair

For the last handful of years women have become attracted to the beard like no other. Whether it’s rugged handsomeness, danger, and intrigue; facial hair just seems to provide some extra spark that a baby-faced counterpart can’t otherwise accomplish. But not all styles of facial hair are okay, and this bro is going to give you an earful on it.

Soul patches. Are we in lame faux rock bands like Seether? Or did we just slip up with the clippers in the morning? You basically have a Hitler stache on your chin you dumb fuck. Nothing says “I’ve got soul but I’m not a soldier” like a landing strip on your face, asshole.

Goatee. Maybe they work on some hillbilly who fucks his sister (only because once you’re Jamie Lannister and Cersei it doesn’t get much worse-BTW I hope he kills that bitch), but the only person it could really help is a dude with a big chin (I’m looking at your Jay Leno).

Fu Manchu. I can’t be too certain this is attractive to any ladies, but the ones that are fond of this particular look can’t be too wild about the prospects of making out with a guy with hair where it matters. It’s literally like having hair above your dick but being completely waxed below the balls (at the taint). How fucking weird is that?

Handlebars and Copstash Standard. Basically anything that doesn’t accompany a beard and is considered a mustache is a bad idea. I know, I know, the mustache has come back a bit. But only special fucking dudes can pull it off. And I mean pretty dudes. Or sometimes fat-faced dudes with dad bods, cuz it’s just funny.




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