Groomzilla: Things You’re Not Doing At My Wedding

trashy wedding

In just under two months I will be going through with a journey that I will never come back from (assuming I’m one of the lucky 35 percent or whatever it is). Getting married is always something I expected but had no idea when it would come together. While I’m ready to have a great time. I won’t hesitate to be a fucking Groomzilla when necessary. This is an extensive list of shit that won’t fly (subject to change):

  1. Wearing a black dress shirt/not wearing a blazer or suit jacket. I don’t care if you have to go to the fucking Good Will (though I’m pretty sure I don’t have poor friends), you will get down at this Black Tie affair under the obvious dress code.
  2. The bar is open but you will not make a fool out of yourself. I don’t care what you got away with at other weddings. But taking shots isn’t an option (especially when you’re not giving a tip, you cheap bastards).
  3. Dancing is encouraged. Showing that you have some skills on the dance floor makes for a good time for all involved. But dancing like a dog in heat/a youth at a high school dance will get you death stares and no invite to future gatherings.
  4. Like everything and shut the fuck up. I get it, you paid a lot of money and spent a lot of time to get down here. And you’re entitled to your opinions. Just don’t actually say them out loud. Remember what your mother said if you don’t have anything nice to say?
  5. There’s a theme for a reason. If you have any reason to believe that you might wear something that my wedding party or I am wearing then do yourself a favor and check up on that shit. Wearing similar colors happens, but wearing something that makes you look a part of the family won’t cut it.
  6. Show up on time. And by that, I mean come to the ceremony and not just the reception. If you have shit to do then decline on the RSVP. Don’t just come enjoy free food and drinks. You can make it an hour earlier for a short ass “I do” or two. I will notice.
  7. No couch surfing. If you’re poor or cheap and can’t stay at the main hotel that’s totally kosher with me, bruh. But if you just were lazy (because I’ve contacted all of you months in advance) or just careless and purposely end up sleeping on someone’s couch there will be stink eyes in your direction at Sunday Brunch.
  8. Act like a gentleman or lady. Again, this isn’t going to be a get-together of lames. But it won’t be a trashy one either. There won’t be little kids running around (unless you can’t read), but there will be an old person or two. So if you talk like a sailor keep that fucking shit away from the old school crew.


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