As I begin the arduous road of ego-shrinking pain that is getting older; my vocabulary and general diction has started taking a turn for the worst. Even basic thoughts of drinking, eating while drinking, and the ridiculous shenanigans that I would get in while drinking completely evaporate. Expectations to actually make use of my day and feel accomplished have taken over my brain. It’s like we intrinsically become conservative overnight and there’s literally no question as to how we really feel. And as those feelings become commonplace, shit white girls say becomes less of “I can’t even” and more of the things you are about to read (except for dudes). These are 30 Things People Say After Age 30:
1. I’m going to have a productive day.
2. Who is seriously still up at 3am? Don’t these kids have work tomorrow?
3. I really have to go to the bathroom more often.
4. Welp, it’s 9 o’clock. I’m going to sleep.
5. Let’s have a special night out and go to that restaurant you like before getting a nightcap. Be back by 11!
6. Where is their money coming from? I’d love to take 3 trips to Vegas a year. But I have a fucking mortgage to pay off!
8. I’m going to start brewing my own beer.
9. I tried to watch the entire game but halftime on Monday Night Football is at like 10 o’clock. I was passed out midway through the second quarter!
10. Why are the youths so crazy?
11. Wanna watch Househunters?
12. This might affect my credit.
13. But what are we going to do about the kids?
14. I’m not old. I’m mature.
15. What’s a hangover?
16. Let’s go out for a drink or ten. Oh wait, I’ve gotta pay my bills next week.
17. Is that a grey hair?
18. What time do we have to pick up the kids?
19. Why do weddings cost so much?
20. Let’s get a joint bank account!
21. I can’t wait to work on this new house project!
22. I’ll totally give up social media one of these days.
23. Can people stop getting married already? I want to spend my money on myself during the summer.
24. People born in 2000 are driving? The fuck?!
25. Forget getting dressed up, I’m gonna look good in whatever I wear. (proceeds to throw on sweats and sunglasses no matter the weather)
26. Do we really need to have plans for New Year’s Eve?
27. Let’s start a new diet!
28. Who is Future and why does he mumble?
29. Why didn’t I forget to stretch before working out?