So I’m pretty positive there’s going to be a lot of disappointed readers or Googlers when they read what I have to say in relation to the title. But how many times have you heard a woman say, “Damn that guy looks hot in that hat?”
Still thinking? That’s because the answer is never. Not at any point in the history of time has a woman thought you were attractive merely because of the hat on your head. And while throwback bros could have gotten away with the completed look from head to toe, chances are you aren’t wearing a zoot suit and a pocket square (unless you really are an asshole).
Now don’t get your granny panties in a bunch, guy. No one is saying snapbacks or fitted hats are against the rules. We are merely saying that unless you are coming in from a sweaty game of intramural kickball or something similar it’s just not a great look. However, if it’s a nice sunny day out we can make exceptions. But if it’s night time then you might as well have your shades on because you’re a dick.
But that’s not even really who I wanna focus on. This is more for the guys wearing hats that make you look like a huge tool. For example, unless you are a member of the Haters Club from The Chappelle Show and you have hoes turning tricks for you or you were an extra on Boardwalk Empire then there’s really no excuse to own a top hat.
If you have a fedora, burn it. If you’re under the age of 50, you should be ashamed of yourself for ever making such a dick purchase. Fedoras don’t look bad on everyone. But you’re not everyone and keeping up a stellar image is a necessity not an option.
If you’re a hipster then you just really want me to make fun of you for your annoying choice of hats. Basically, if you’re not Robert Redford from like every Robert Redford movie ever then newsboy hats just shouldn’t be worn. Maybe it’s cool if you’re going to a Prohibition party, but there’s not much other use for them.
And finally, if you are Pharrell and you have some insane notion to wear a hat that’s too fucking big for your head then be ridiculous and go for it, but you will look stupid because he does too. He’s just famous and gives zero fucks. And if I see one more casual beanie worn by some casual dick when it’s 80 degrees out there will be problems.