Real Life Barney Stinson?

Amazingly enough, this is an example of a flattering picture of the kid.
Amazingly enough, this is an example of a flattering picture of the kid.

Okay, so Barney Stinson is the bro of all bros from How I Met Your Mother that was played by Neil Patrick Harris. The character set forth a set of rules that was known as the bro code and put out several different phrases which are now used regularly in the general English lexicon. Now maybe this is a bigger tribute to NPH’s acting prowess or maybe it’s more about the character than the individual, but the most compelling part of his character as a lady-killer is that he is gay in real life.

Vanderpump Rules is the guilty pleasure of the E! Channel that has essentially replaced Keeping Up With the Kardashians now that no one cares anymore (but did we ever care?!?). Along with this obsession is a realistic story-line of average-looking to good-looking individuals working at a restaurant (or maybe not because we never actually see them doing much, Scheana sort of works though) while obviously chasing other far-fetched dreams much like every other young person in the history of time that lives in LA.

So where am I going with this? James Kennedy. That’s where I’m going. So the guy isn’t smooth. He isn’t funny. He isn’t endearing. And he isn’t good looking. But he gets a lot of high-quality tail. How, you ask? It’s gotta be that reality show thing. There’s no way this shit isn’t scripted. In the most recent episode he jumps from Kristen (who’s admittedly a 6 on her best days- and even then you need to be sort of hungover to come to that number) to Lala (who’s a 8.5 or 9 in looks, probably a 3 in personality and cognitive thinking skills) and then just randomly hooks up with Lauren (who’s a solid 7). Not bad for a week’s worth of banging.

Too good for the guy above? Methinks definitely.
Too good for the guy above? Methinks definitely.

What’s worse? He’s a fucking DJ. Okay, so if you have talent (not sure what that means because DJ’s just remix OTHER PEOPLE’S MUSIC) maybe there’s a reason for a guy to rock out to Chris Brown’s “Loyal” like it’s not an old song. But this guy is equivalent to the guy that does bar mitzvahs and high school dances. Kennedy is definitely not the guy that is making a name for himself. He’s more DJ Pauly D (and for all I know he’s had a hit since “Beat That Beat Up”, remember that?) than Calvin Harris. And yet he’s pulling quality akin to both (because Pauly D wasn’t a bad looking dude- minus the gelled hair). You know it’s scripted when Lala momentarily chooses James over resident fuckboy (and imbecile) Jax before predictably giving in to his boyish good looks (though he’s damn near 40).

What do you look at first? The hair, the face, or the ears? It's all messy.
What do you look at first? The hair, the face, or the ears? It’s all messy. And Kristen is struggling.

But how can one pull such quality tail on the regular when he’s gayer than Todd Chrisley working on his women’s clothing line?!? Dude just isn’t straight. Again, tolerance is the new theme of the century and if you don’t have then you suck. I’m totally cool with this guy liking to stuff large phallic objects into his orifices on a daily basis, I’d just like the guy to come out already and stop trying to fool a reality television viewing community (that already knows your show is fake and that you’re never really struggling to afford life when you get paid 10’s of thousands of dollars per episode to look marginally attractive and provide mediocre service at a seemingly overrated restaurant and bar) that you’re straight. You’re gay and you’re proud.

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