So I was recently watching TV and caught a glimpse of the trailer for the new movie Pan. For a movie based on the classic from way back when, you’d think Hollywood types would understand that they only way to do it justice would be with tons of well-known actors and a legit script. But this just looks like another crap version of a movie that’s been done several times over and only was captured by comedic genius Robin Williams in Hook. Now that we’ve basically come to an agreement that this new version will never live up to the original, let’s talk about 5 Disney movies (obviously originally for kids) that would be fucking awesome if redone for a larger more adult audience.
If there’s one Disney princess that every girl wants to be and every guy wishes was in the movie Cool World instead of Kim Basinger is Jasmine from Aladdin. And how crazy and fucked up was the Middle East back then? Almost as crazy and fucked up as it is now we can assume. How sexed up do you think this generation would make Jasmine? I don’t even want to know what Miley Cyrus thinks about this subject. But seriously, I’m the guy that tends to like the villains in movies and who’s a bigger dick than Jafar? Well, there is someone, but we’ll get to him later. Still, there’s something about that period and that particular part of the world that was mesmerizing and would undoubtedly be a spectacle in and of itself even if the movie was shit.
Everyone remembers the movie Splash. It was essentially the real-world version of The Little Mermaid, except Prince Eric is slightly better looking than Tom Hanks. And as noted long ago, a beautiful woman with no ability to speak isn’t exactly the worst thing to ever happen. Am I right guys? But Ursula would be a fucking awesome character recreate even if they had to alter her appearance somehow to accommodate the fact that a Minotaur-esque octopus hasn’t really been attempted in the movies. Imagine how fucking awesome King Triton would be. I mean, you’d obvi have to throw in some kind of computer-generated characters, but most singers these days use autotune, so what’s another misrepresentation in entertainment going to hurt?
Speaking of living underwater, Atlantis was totally a real thing. I can’t tell you where it’s really located or any of the history behind it (mostly because I slept through most history classes in high school) but I can tell you that it’s like a mixture of Independence Day and Journey to the Center of the Earth or better yet, National Treasure. Who knew there were hot girls with weird blue hair living fair beneath the faults and other cracks in one of the major oceans? Not this guy. Probably should get on this quick before anyone beyond Leonard Nimoy die (James Garner? Michael J. Fox?).
So there’s obviously some really good choices from Broadway that have already made it big in theaters, but how bad ass would Beauty and the Beast be with special effects from The Hobbit series or the 300 movies (as bad as they were) coupled with the drama of Gladiator? Not that you need much to make Gaston great. There’s gotta be a way to make this narrative scary and realistic while harnessing the raw human emotional appeal of the Beast. Plus all the different kitchen utensils coming to life. I never thought I’d find whatever that household tool that Lumiere was attracted to attractive, but it happened. That and I was a horny little kid (but aren’t we all?). And it won’t be some corny remake (that I actually sorta liked with Vanessa Hudgens and Alex Pettyfer), nor will it be a lame TV series that nobody watches on one of those teen drama-based production companies. This could essentially be a more successful version of Pirates of the Caribbean, except with cuss words and lots of sex (because let’s face it, that’s what sells).
Last but not least, Cinderella has been so many times in real-life that it’s not worth counting in various adaptations. Let’s just be blunt about it. Hillary Duff (even when she was kind of relevant) isn’t a good enough effort to remake one of the most popular animated films of all-time. Besides, how many hotties can you think of off the top of your head that would make a perfect Cinderella? Moreover, there could be so many fun ways to re-invent the fairy god mother and the mice (who are the stars of the show).
Anywho, it’s time we take this shit seriously. I mean, are there really any serious movies coming out? Entourage really disappointed and I didn’t even see it nor was it expected to be an Oscar-winner. It’s about time we remake the classics and remind people what good shit is. Disney can continue putting out shitty movies that kids will flock to. But I’m saying take care of me!