10 Bros We’d All Love To See On American Ninja Warrior

Bear from Alaskan Bush People. Dude lives his life extreme. He’s like Forrest Gump because he runs everywhere. I wish I had a meme of Tom Hanks in his Gump voice talking about run-ning because he sounds ridiculous. And yet Bear loves to climb trees and jump on shit. Wouldn’t he just naturally be awesome at this?

X-Pac before we knew he was a druggie and liked chicks with dicks. He loved to jump from the top rope and he loved to climb tall trees that doubled as female wrestlers that regularly overdosed on testosterone. Degeneration-X can suck it.

Usain Bolt. Running fast is just running. I’d like to see if this cocky fuck has some actual hand-eye coordination. I’m not saying he would suck at the hurdles, but he might need someone to save him from drowning (that’s not to say he can’t swim ya racist jerkoffs).

Shawn White. mostly because I want to see him faceplant and I hated his obnoxious flowing red hair and how girls still found him attractive even though he most obviously is not now that he cut his hair for Locks of Love (but then he does something like that and they love him more, asshole). I’d be curious to see what he could do without the aid of a board and/or nature.

The player responsible for an epic soundtrack via Space Jam.
The player responsible for an epic soundtrack via Space Jam.

Michael Jordan from 20 years ago. Now that Air Jordan sucks as a GM for the Charlotte Hornets his mystique isn’t quite the same for my generation. If he had the chance to jump up and down on his way to Mt. Midoriyama I think he would have a chance to do better than he would at something like minor league baseball.

Bruce Jenner before he was Caitlyn, no seriously. Not fronting. Bruce was a complete monster. He makes those two American pricks Dan and Dave (O’Brien and Johnson) look like schmucks in comparison. I know, all you can think of now is what you see. And while it’s not the same Jenner as before, homegirl (or boy?) would def crush a couple courses.

But how do you think money-bags will deal with sucking at life?
But how do you think money-bags will deal with sucking at life?

Floyd Mayweather, because I’d love to see him lose to a girl. Kacy Catanzaro, where are you? It’s enough that Money can’t read, but he’s gotta be a sexist too?!? Sure, he’s got a fuck-ton of money. But I can’t think he would take too kindly to being below average in anything. Would love to see what excuse he will come up with next.

JJ Watt. I think JJ is my man crush. Is there anything he can’t do? Just look at the video below. Seriously. The guy is fucking athlete. Not sure he wouldn’t be gassed on the salmon ladder or any of the other obstacles that are favorable to smaller dudes, but who knows with this guy.

The Mountainer mascot from West Virginia. Wouldn’t this be something he’d be good at? I mean, what else do they have to do in Morgantown aside from drink beer and get really fucked up? Being the biggest party school in the country isn’t a compliment. Your college town is boring as fuck and you need to be that drunk to make the girls look prettier. And yeah, your beard will only get you so far, bro.

Any major college athlete and professional athlete that has suffered a disgusting injury on TV, mainly because I wanted to show this for everyone to throw up to.



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