It’s not quite April yet and some things about 2015 are so intolerable that we just need to begin a moratorium asap. The following is a list of 10 Things We’ve Seen Enough Of in a year that has yet to do much other than make us hate celebrities even more.
1. Any of the Girls naked. Every Sunday night you turn on HBO to watch Girls, but as the audience ratings come up on the screen you always see the “N” for nudity. And sure enough ten minutes later you see Lena Dunham’s pasty white ass and boobs bouncing up and down, though it’s arguably better than seeing Zosia Mamet shaving her nether regions (because that was an image we will be able to get out of our heads any time soon).
2. Kim Kardashian’s vagina. It’s enough to have to swallow that this woman has essentially built her net worth off of banging guys on video, but do we need to see her lady parts in all their glory? Whether Kim Kardashian is proud of her vagina or not, no one else is impressed. In fact, all those years of dating black guys looks to have caught up with her (if you know what I mean). Can’t she just be like every other woman with a small child and stick to public nips as the max on nudity?
3. NFL players getting fifth chances. As Adrian Peterson mulls what city he would like whip his kid in next, the opportunities for other inmates…I mean players continue to mount. Ray McDonald (who is dumber than Aldon Smith- and that’s saying something) found a job in Chicago after several different domestic abuse claims. And Greg Hardy will be playing for the Dallas Cowboys (at least he doesn’t have a blow problem) after he was successfully able to pay off his ex-girlfriend/accuser in hush money.
4. Reality TV. It’s been like seriously close to 10 years since Spencer and Heidi and JustinBobby graced our presence in the form of The Hills and we saw LC drive off the MTV lot and into anything other than a drummed up scene of fakeness. So why does anyone care about reality TV anymore? The whole original lure of reality TV was that it made us forget about all the shit that was going on that we couldn’t do much about (i.e. 9/11, an impending economic slump, etc.), but the only thing that former Real World contestants and kids having kids being on TV does is make me question why paying for cable is even an option. And did you know there’s actually a franchise now for Little Women? Funny, I didn’t know there were that many of them.
5. Ariana Grande’s pony-tail. Maybe you don’t see it as that big of a deal, but every time I look at Ariana Grande she looks like she’s 12. It might not be the hair, but it’s something. Didn’t Bump-its never go in style in the first place? It’s like she’s on some neverending tryout for Jersey Shore. Then she steps on stage at one of those ridiculous awards shows that actually considers her music original and you can’t hear a fucking word she’s saying. Perhaps Ariana can fade away for a while with her Big (but short) boyfriend and fight her important feud with Glee cast members somewhere else.
6. Bruce Jenner’s transition. It’s a tired subject. Running into some old lady and killing her got in the way. Not saying Bruce is as much of a whore as the women (no typo) he divorced. Just saying that keeping his best legal interests in mind had more to do with postponing the inevitable public transition from male to female. It has nothing to do with whether we support the dude or not, it would just seem way more sincere if it were someone that hadn’t spent the last 5 years in front of a camera.
7. NBA basketball, it’s just not interesting. When the New York Knicks, Boston Celtics, and Los Angeles Lakers all suck at the same time, the NBA is going to lose some of its regular fanfare. LeBron James is a polarizing figure who is either loved or loathed, Russell Westbrook plays in Oklahoma City, and none of the other stars of today are really all that interesting. Add to that a league filled with players without allegiances or much in the way of passion for the game and you get a lame product that has me picking Celebrity Name Game instead any time there’s an actual “choice”.
8. Ongoing coverage concerning Bobbi Kristina. Sad. Unfortunate. Uncanny. But not a coincidence. Whitney Houston’s daughter has been on life support for almost two months. If her family really wants to keep her alive and hope for something to happen (even though it won’t) then go for it. But all it’s bringing is bad news (mostly in the form of Nick Gordon). I don’t quite remember everything that happened in While You Were Sleeping, but I’m guessing Gordon won’t be so lucky.
9. John Legend and Common performing Selma song at awards shows. “Glory” might have all the historical significance and such, but how many times can you perform the same song at an awards show in such a small amount of time before it’s considered excessive? Do people really need to be tearing up for the cameras? Pretty sure it’s not the first time they’ve heard the song. Guess it could be worse. Legend could be singing “All of Me”, which is essentially like hearing fingernails on a chalkboard.
10. Raving about Empire. After the first week of the Fox drama, many people were thinking it was a flop. It started sorta blah and was just a joke to people know what actually goes on in the rap world. And then, out of nowhere these great reviews start coming in. Hustle and Flow is long gone and so apparently was Terrance Howard’s career. There aren’t any predominately black TV shows on prime-time, but great shows aren’t forced into mainstream.