My Big, Fat…Wait, It’s Not My Wedding?

batmanBy the time you hit your mid-20s most of your friends have been entrenched in relationships that span two plus years and either make you question the single life or make you cling closer in that direction. Unfortunately, within the next couple years you will find that friends are getting married and getting comfortable in lives that don’t center around the consumption of mass amounts of alcohol and late night snacking. There’s more early nights staying in on the weekend. There’s more making big plans. And there’s more spending large chunks of money that you probably never had in the first place.

But before all that starts, there’s the big day of spending money that really hits the hardest. For all the couples that luckily have the traditional set-up for financing a wedding (father of the bride footing the bill); you are the lucky ones. Most people have to rely on ingenuity and stretching dollars. However, those people get new tax breaks, home-buying incentives, health care breaks, and marital privileges in the court room (if you’re planning on doing something crazy).

How many weddings are you attending this year? And how much money are you spending on trips for yourself? Well, as much as I love gathering with old friends to spend an exorbitant amount of money culminating in even more money spent in a final weekend, its a lot to handle over the course of time. Now I’m happily making sacrifices for friends and family that I love, but this sudden need for cash flow is really making me question my day job. Before you know it, you’ve spent 150 or more on a wedding present(s), upwards of 500 or 1000 on a bachelor party (depending on how low-budget or extravagant), 500 on attire, a couple hundred on hotels, and then whatever additional expenses on travel.

That’s a lot of money going in the other direction for what amounts to a 45 minute ceremony that has a 60% chance of failure. Hold up, I’m not saying I wish any ill will towards people getting married. Because I will eventually, and want the same kind of support. Maybe the failed marriages aren’t the big budget ones, but too many people assume that the assholes on “17 and pregnant with a deformed kid that I had with my cousin” is what really makes up those bad numbers. But I’m not completely buying that either. So I’ve decided that when I make that decision to take the plunge, all I want is money. It’s just like Christmas. If you really have to give me something (and I’m almost never really asking), then give me some fuckin’ money. I will raid your wardrobe and find the most “suit”-able (see what I did there?) outfit and then take the money you would have spent on everything else and call it day. You’re welcome, friends getting married. You’re welcome.

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