As you inch closer to the unthinkable age of 30 (and let’s be real, 30 is the new 24-ish or so) there’s so much that you don’t think about that your life has become. Embrace it. You’re hopefully wiser and better for it. And if not, you’re going to continue to make some silly mistakes. Below are 29 of the many things you should have figured out or experience now that you’re about to turn the big 3-0.
1. Saturday mornings are more likely used to walk the dog, go grocery shopping, or work on a new room in your house.
2. You get pissed at the neighbors because it’s 12 pm and they are being too loud while having a good time on their roof-deck.
3. The youths like to smoke weed on your stoop. You’re over smoking but don’t want to be lame and call the cops. Sometimes decisions need to be made.
4. Binging doesn’t refer to waiting for the weekend to ingest countless shots and mixed drinks, it refers to the limitless episodes of Friends that you’ll be watching in Netflix till you get tired around 11:30 and go to bed.
5. Even the guys you hang out with are commenting on girls that dress too slutty. Yes, there’s such a thing as too slutty. It was a weird feeling for me too.
6. When you do go to the bar, you can tell that people there are much younger even if you don’t know any of them. And if you know all of them, at least one comes up to you and asks if you were their camp counselor all those years ago.
7. Using social media for non-work related purposes isn’t a daily occurrence. And if it is, you’ve already deleted most of the people from your feed that overshare.
8. You have less than 1,000 friends on Facebook, not because you don’t have a lot of friends but because it’s not a status symbol. You only keep the people as friends that you care about or are ridiculous and say stupid shit.
9. Drinking cheap beer isn’t an option. Yuengling and Sam Adams aren’t considered “nice” beers. Craft beer is the only way to go.
10. If you tell me you haven’t tried online dating, you’re lying to yourself.
11. No one uses the words “fun” and “politics” in the same sentence. If you want to talk about that shit be prepared to be ignored or lit up by some overzealous drunk person.
12. PDA is only okay in two situations; New Year’s Eve and if you have too much to drink (which is basically the same thing). Writing about it on social media might be an even worse offense. If you have to gush about it online, it doesn’t seem as sincere.
13. The 90s don’t seem that long ago. Kids born in 2000 are almost legal to drive. Yikes.
14. “I don’t hate you because you’re fat. You’re fat because I hate you”. One relationship isn’t a good excuse to let yourself go.
15. Cigarettes are cool until you’re that wrinkly old bastard who smells like smoke and old folks homes. Good luck getting laid.
16. If you’re still recalling memories from high school on regular basis then there’s a good reason for it.
17. Anyone who is excited to have kids is fucking crazy. “Wanting to” and “being excited” are too drastically different things. TV and the news should be enough contraception for the time being. For now, get a dog.
18. Everyone on the highway sucks at driving. You can either embrace the rage or completely let it go.
19. New Year’s Resolutions are the biggest waste of time. They are never done for yourself and they hardly ever last for more than a few months.
20. You can’t do anything in life without planning. You can’t be spontaneous without planning ahead to have the freedom to do so. Otherwise you’re just left worrying about what’s going to happen when the fun is over.
21. If you can’t learn to cook then you better learn to be rich.
22. You can be 60% less attractive than the average person and still find someone 40% more attractive than the average person all because you have an accent.
23. Nothing happens like it does on TV or in the movies. Does anyone else notice how there are no fat people on trendy shows? Yet, this is the fattest country in the world.
24. The lottery, sports betting, etc., etc. is all a game of chance. Sitting around waiting for shit to happen is the reason why you’re single and looking for strange at the bars. Live your life and you never know how it may turn out.
25.Money doesn’t always equal happiness. But I’d challenge you to go find a filthy rich person that isn’t having an awesome time in the pursuit.
26. Competitive sports are only fun with friends. And yet, social leagues are no fun because they aren’t competitive. You can either not care about winning or not care about being a dick.
27. Living with best friends is a terrible idea. Why would you want to live with the person that you go out with? That sounds eerily similar to something else….
28. Sleeping with someone from work just creates endless awkward moments. Unless you luck out and they don’t get attached (and they probably will), you have to grin and bear it.
29. If it sounds too goo to be true, then it probably is.