I had a dog like 20 years ago when I was little and she died in one of the more dramatic ways possible. It was a family dog and I didn’t really bare much, if any, responsibilities pertaining to the dog. But just this past week my girlfriend and I adopted 6-month old puppy and so far I haven’t regretted it yet. When you make this kind of power move, it’s usually done for kids or company or other generic reasons that seem to escape me at this juncture. But for the common bro (especially the single bro) getting a dog is as much vanity as it is practicality. I’m not talking about fucking Paris Hilton-type shit either. Carry puppies around in purses doesn’t make sense at all. Where are they going to shit? Here are 10 reasons why every bro needs a dog:
1. Chick magnet. Seriously. Girls talk to ugly guys if they have cute dogs. They aren’t looking at your face. They are looking at the other drooling male standing before them and that one can’t speak English and say something incredibly stupid that will yield no results. And when else would you meet that hot girl at the dog park? It would be pretty weird otherwise.
2. Unconditional love. It sounds lame and played out, but if you are a single guy that’s not looking for commitment you still are looking for genuine affection every now and again. Your new dog will give you that without having to pay for dinner and fake listening or caring what they have to say.
3. Workout pal. Not everyone likes to work out with friends and I get it, but who’s going to be your motivation when it’s rainy and cold as hell outside in the middle of January? Not the asshole friend of yours that laying on his couch watching Netflix and scratching his balls. No. It’s your dog. The little guy is going to run after Frisbees and tennis balls and drag your ass behind him while you try to keep up on the track.
4. We’re all dogs at heart. They sniff out who they like the best and howl at them to no end. Sound familiar? They can sense when their owner is pissed or not, which is how they know how to take advantage of us. That also sounds familiar (but for a different reason.
5. Taste-tester. Feeding your dog on the daily isn’t a good idea because it will condition them to only eat your shit. But dogs supposedly have the ability to sense whether food you eat has certain allergies in it. Talk about a life-saver. Just make sure you don’t let your dog eat chocolate.
6. Ego-boost. For as good looking as you are, it helps having something or someone (assuming you are ready for the C-word, I’m talking about commitment get your minds out of the gutter) to enforce your hotness. Petting, playing, and just being with them in general is known to produces endorphins similar to working out.
7. Sunday Funday. If you’re not out at the bar getting sweated by all the females in the join then there’s a decent chance you are sitting home with bros watching football and pounding beers. If your team isn’t playing well, you might have a tendency to throw things and curse at the TV. Dogs generally have the kind of aura that promotes calmness and peace. Not saying you won’t get pissed and bark at the game more than the dog, but when you do he will calm you down.
8. Patience is a virtue. Girls take a long time to get ready. We are used to that. So what’s the big deal if your best buddy makes you wait a little bit while he literally gets shit done in front of you? And barking for a hot minute is really no worse than sitting on the phone for an inordinate amount of time while responding with timely quips to make the girl think you’re actually listening.
9. These hoes ain’t loyal. But your dog is. And so are you. Dog owners know how important it is to stick it out through the good and bad, which is obviously not something that every friend or stupid girl you’ve messed around with in the past might have learned.
10. The life of an alpha male. Dogs know what it is. Instead of doing whatever they are told from the outset, it takes a strong-minded, strong-willed individual with authority to take control. Dogs like that shit and likely will just take advantage of supersweet people that lay down every time they want something. You can love your dog and show him often without being a pushover.