Treat Yourself

Creepy adults still enjoy the perks of Halloween.
Creepy adults still enjoy the perks of Halloween.

As far back as time can trace it has been tradition for kids as young as 2 and as old as 14 (and that’s really pushing it) to go around their neighborhood or the one with the most houses and annoy the shit out of the people living there until they give you as much candy as possible. Sometimes you get healthy shit and hate your life. Other times they pass out homemade crap that your parents don’t want you to touch (understandably so). And in the most dire of situations, you walk up to the door of the sketchy neighbor in his underwear that rifles through his drawers to find stale “candy”.

Those are all tales of Halloween misfortune that makes the holiday tough to take, but what happens on the other side of things? When you have to grow up and be the guy on the other side of the door? Frankly, I’m still camped out on the couch watching Hocus Pocus and Witches. But as a lover of all things candy; it’s easy to get amped to hand out freebies to kids rolling through the city. Unfortunately, living in a nice part of the city, there’s more than a few assholes out there looking for free handouts. It’s not even so much the older kids that show up to get candy while “chaperoning” their younger siblings. Most of the time those kids are by themselves. Those kids suck, but there are worse people out there on Halloween.

The absolute worst culprits on Halloween are definitely adults. Yes. Adults. Fucking 30 or 40-year old dicks walking around (not always with kids) and saying “trick or treat”. It’s somewhere between sad and pathetic (which are obvi two different things). Most of em look like drug addicts, but some are from the homes much like us. It’s really ridiculous. Being my first Halloween living in a city last year I had no idea that this sort of thing happens. I’m gonna be ready this year though. Those fuckers are getting the worst of the worst candy fo sho. I’m gonna be handing out black licorice and laugh at all the stink faces I get. Oh well, Halloween is a holiday for kids and young adults. But adults shouldn’t be stealing candy. Fuck that.

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