There are so many reasons guys fall short in today’s generation of people that demand instant gratification. Making reservations for or planning a dinner, finding out specific information about family members and history, and friendships and relationships both personal and professional are within a click of a button. Forget dialing up the “long chord” phones, does anyone even remember payphones? But that doesn’t mean there aren’t movies that depict the various actions that make every guy look like a chump in comparison.
Nicholas Sparks is the main culprit of such movies. Maybe he didn’t write the first couple with the intent of having them made into feature-length movies in the beginning, but ever since The Notebook hit cult status Sparks’ paperbacks have hit the big screen. The Notebook is a movie for all women to use as an excuse to fawn over and whine, “Why don’t you do that”? And ladies, let’s not pretend that there are any of you that don’t like the movie. I don’t care if you play rugby and prefer strap-ons to the real thing or if you just don’t have female friends because “they are too dramatic” (oxymoron right there if I ever heard one). All women like that shit. This is a list of the 9 Reasons Why Men Will Never Live Up to Nicholas Sparks’ Novels.
2. In A Walk to Remember, Shane West’s character befriends the hot church girl (played by Mandy Moore who hasn’t been anywhere important since the last Entourage sighting like 5 years ago) and spends way too much energy and money trying to woo this girl. Perhaps it might’ve worked 15 years ago, but nowadays if it’s tough to keep something like cancer private and even tough to find a guy that won’t bounce if he doesn’t get laid within the first month.
3. A guy watches his friends die in Afghanistan and right before he thinks he’s about to die, he sees a picture in the sand and picks it up. No guy, bro or not, is going to walk cross-country to find some chick that he’s never met before just because she meant something to someone at some time. Hell, when my girlfriend wants me to pick something up from the CVS across the street from us I have to think about it. Besides, what are the odds that the actress is going to look at attractive as Taylor Schilling does in The Lucky One (before she was a gang-banging lesbian…or maybe that wasn’t the correct phrase, oh well). Could you at least choose someone uglier than Zac Efron?
4. Listen, I’m all for being with the one you truly are meant for. But what dude ever in the history of time just lets his wife walk away with another man because she has unresolved feelings for the guy. Shit happens. Pretty sure Channing Tatum’s character would have gotten laid plenty considering his double-whammy of attractiveness for most women (looks and military clout). Yeah, that would never happen.
5. Sure it’s based on a relationship between older people, but Nights in Rodanthe is just too perfect in the buildup of events all the way until the conclusion. Richard Gere is basically just American Gigolo with salt and pepper hair. Who’s gonna compete with that?
6. On the flip side of all the mushy love crap, Miley Cyrus is actually the lead female role who falls in love in The Last Song. How and why is this an option? Whether she’s twerkin’ with no ass or attempting to rap with two guys that basically aren’t even rappers themselves’, Miley is just plain disgusting. This is more just something no one wants to have to do rather than can’t do.
7. All the visits 20 years later just don’t work. Once something is in the rear-view, most guys are already on to the next one. You could easily make the same assumption with girls, but that won’t stop them from complaining about it when you watch The Notebook and The Best of Me (note to readers: don’t watch the movies).
8. So this time it’s a women driving cross country to meet a man that wrote love letters. We get it, letters weren’t even common 20 years ago when the damn book was written (Message In a Bottle), but if this were real life the girl would called him up and made him come to her or it never would have happened. And if Claire Underwood wants to hang out with me, chances are I’m not going to cop-out with the dead lover excuse.
9. Ryan Gosling as Noah Calhoun. I’m not sure an explanation is necessary.