Large and In Charge

It's a real book about real-life issues.
It’s a real book about real-life issues.

With all the unfortunate things in the world today, not everything is skin deep. It might be hard to believe, but Oversized Male Genitalia (OMG) is a genetic birth defect that affects 1 million of us in America. Bigger is better (not just in Texas), but living with the huge burden of a huge burden is a tough life. While they may be glorified after a certain age (and that age just keeps getting younger by the year), it’s a problem for prepubescent kids with clueless parents. A gift instead is viewed as a curse. There is so much to learn in How to Live With A Huge Penis.

What could you learn from a self-help book like this, you ask? Well without divulging everything there is to learn about those gifted individuals, it’s that this is also a good read for men of all shapes and sizes. And yes, it seriously is less awesome than you might initially think. Another interesting note is that there average size is way smaller than anyone might think. No one is saying that guys the same size as their thumb are average even, but it’s not that far off. For those that are curious, 5 inches is considered average and 6 inches is considered well-endowed (white boys rejoice!). Men with OMG are 8 inches and up.

Can you believe that most boys have trouble going to pool parties or changing in gym locker rooms because of OMG? Or the fact that sufferers of OMG are 30 times more likely to commit suicide? Such a cruel fate. But fear not, there are many important men in history with OMG including: Albert Einstein (who wasn’t just good at long division, yeah there’s layers to that pun), Benjamin Franklin (who literally had a “lightning rod”), Napoleon Bonaparte (who may have been short- hence the term “Napoleon Complex”, but his height from the ceiling and from the ground might not a little different. okay I’m reaching on that one), Abraham Lincoln (insert wood joke here), Mozart (actually Lorena Bobbitt-ed himself and wrote the ballad “Requiem” for his impending loss of the d), Sigmund Freud (who had some abnormal sexual desires but obvi nothing was normal about him), P.T. Barnum (who brought freak shows out, though privately considering himself to be a part of it), Teddy Roosevelt (puts new meaning to “speak softly and carry a big stick”), and several other famous dudes with long schlongs.

Ron Jeremy, not sure he would have been famous without his abnormally large member. I mean, look at him.
Ron Jeremy, not sure he would have been famous without his abnormally large member. I mean, look at him.

The rest of the book chronicles important parts of a young man’s life like telling family and friends about your big dick as well as having “safe sex” with said big dick. And by “safe sex”, I don’t mean the kind using a condom, though that’s prob not a bad idea either. No, the safe sex I am referring is the kind dealing with whether you can and how you can hurt your partner. No one wants to have sex with a virgin every time you have sex. Even worse, having sex with someone that is pregnant is really dangerous. Never ever do you want to just be poking around and happen to cause trauma to an unborn fetus. That’s like child abuse or something unfortunate (but totally not as bad or as intentional as the shit Adrian Peterson is a part of).

Forget how terrible the idea of standing in front of your 7th grade social studies class to give a report with a huge boner because you sit next to the hot girl from down the street, imagine dying (yes DYING) because of an erection. Well, that shit can happen. The amount of blood that is pumped to even get it up is sometimes enough to take over other sources of blood in the body. Further, there are additional tidbits about different (and sketchy) things to do with your big penis. And finally, the best things to do for the psychological aspect of being a big guy your entire life (like writing in a journal, because that’s what guys do). Though we must admit, some of them are really fucking funny (i.e. my penis reminds me of the following celebrities, I shouldn’t fellate myself today because, some other huge things that God made are, here’s a drawing of my penis making someone happy) and may or may not put you in a good mood one way or another.

For those in need of a measuring stick (not an intended pun), there actually is one on the inside cover as well as a measurement for girth (because a dude is totally going to place his head on the back page of this book at any point in time. Note: if you plan to do either of these things, do yourself a favor and actually buy the book. Anyone that happens to ignore this warning and pull out in Barnes and Noble, don’t blame me when you get caught for public indecency (and outed as someone with a small penis).

 

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