Too Bro For Your Own Good

Just short of the beard, this dude screams bag of dicks.
Just short of the beard, this dude screams bag of dicks.

The freedom to be you is paramount to essential happiness in this lifetime. Unfortunately, there’s a new-age bro that has taken over the bro kingdom for better or for worse, but mostly worse. Looking good, staying in shape, and not being afraid to speak your mind is always important to the everyday bro; but the new breed of bro even makes me want to use the “d” word. Douchebag is easily the most offensive word you could use to describe a bro of any kind. And still, it is fitting.

It all starts with the hair. Pampering one’s self is one thing. Hell, dabbling in mani-pedis for an afternoon isn’t ridiculous as long as it isn’t a regular thing and doesn’t happen to take place with a large group of close girlfriends. But going to the salon to get a fucking haircut when there’s a perfectly good barber across the street is pushing it. And that’s what these bros look like they did everywhere they go. If it looks like you went to the salon 10 minutes before you decided to jump in the pool, chances are you actually spent 45 minutes styling it with gel and lameness.

Aside from the dubious offense of taking a selfie, the tats are so incredibly lame.
Aside from the dubious offense of taking a selfie, the tats are so incredibly lame.

Even worse is the fact that most dudes tend to match these comb-over hair-dos with facial hair that would make Paul Bunyan blush. Do you not realize that you can have too much of a good thing? Maybe the gelled up Leave It To Beaver haircut will get you laid because it makes these bros look like they do indeed have a soul, but matching it with a manly mess of a beard tends to counteract what’s going on up top.

There is no greater thing for any bro than to stay in shape. It helps with so many positive aspects in life, that for some, missing a workout isn’t an option. I get that. But there’s a certain point where being in great shape and looking like all you need is a little dehydration, some tanning oil, and a speedo to compete in a bodybuilding competition become two completely different things. If you were that guy in the bar while cheering on ‘Merica! during the World Cup that looked like he went to buy his Michael Bradley USMNT jersey at fucking baby Gap, then you might want to ease off the steroids buddy.

This brings us to the next common similarity in bros that are a bag of dicks; shoulder tattoos. Honestly, this is like the substitution for those gaudy, sometimes blinged-out, “designer” t’s that they’d always wear on Jersey Shore. It’s bad. It’s essentially the male equivalent to the ribcage tattoo (or the new tramp stamp). I’ve never been drawn to inking up my body but I get why people do it. With that being said, if you’re going to do it in one place then go all in. Don’t put some random Aztec symbol or Japanese writing on your shoulder leading down to your pecs like we don’t know why it’s placed there.

Really? A deep V? Was that really necessary?
Really? A deep V? Was that really necessary?

Next up is the ever-popular spray tan/tanning bed hue that is evident at all times of day with or without sunglasses on. No one will ever tell you that being a pasty son of a bitch is a good look. But going out of your way to look as crusty as the orange bitch, better known as “Tanning Mom”, doesn’t exactly make anyone jealous. If fake n’ bake is an absolute need (because you live in some sun-deprived area like Alaska or Antarctica) then do your best to get natural sunlight in there as well.

Finally, we have a few suggestions for those who fall under this category to better work within the constructs of non-dickbag behavior. An easy one is to avoid large groups of like-minded and similarly-dressed bros. It’s the whole reason you rarely see an entire group of hot girls together; you always need someone to make you look better. And in this case, more guys that look exactly the same just make you look worse. Also, wear form-fitting or even relaxed fit clothing. Top designers wouldn’t dress Melissa McCarthy for any of the big awards shows and J. Crew ads don’t feature Brock Lesnar, deal with it. Haters come in all shapes and sizes (mostly fat, but it varies). So keep in mind that these are just guidelines for those that don’t want to make fellow bros look like complete jerkoffs. There is no absolute need to adhere to such standards. But that would require this particular sub-culture of the bro kingdom to have standards. And if you Google or Pinterest and enter “Bros with beards and tats” you get Justin Bieber. Enough said.

Sidenote: I apologize for the amount of shirtless dudes per capita. I will make up for it with an overload of attractive females in the near future.

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