Not Again!

b4eb5a32f870f9853518af973a30f61aWhile perusing the internet headlines I noticed, due to an unnecessarily large photo, that a second installment of Magic Mike is in the works. That got me to thinking about all the movies that were better off with just one movie. Some of them because the first one was so good that a second (or third) would just be an insult to the original, and some because the first was so terrible that there couldn’t possibly be a need for more. This is a list of 21 annoying extra movies that either didn’t live up to the hype or simply sucked in the first place. While a few mentions were of the straight to DVD variety, only the ones mentioned were live action. The obvious mention of cartoon movies that went straight past the theaters that would easily provide enough ranting to last a lifetime are Disney sequels, and those are aplenty.

 

Anchorman- The 2013 follow-up to the classic initial movie was built up for a few years and the talk show appearances and commercials created a buzz that might’ve been hard to live up to had the movie actually been good. Instead, the movie blew from start to finish. Yes, there were some funny moments here and there. But the jokes seemed forced and the cohesion between the cast wasn’t as clear in the first installment, even though it was virtually the same actors. The lines from the first movie that I can recite verbatim are few and far between in this disaster of a sequel.

Grown Ups movies- Let’s start by saying that Adam Sandler, Kevin James, Chris Rock, Rob Schneider, and David Spade have all had successful careers. But this movie was destined to suck from the beginning. While there are some films made for children that are secretly funny enough for adults, it doesn’t quite go the other way. And for some reason these guys thought it would be smart to write something that their own kids would laugh at and be able to watch with them. Piss poor effort, guys. Not only is this movie not funny, but it just makes these fuckers look washed up. I can’t remember the last time I watched a good and/or funny movie with any of them starring. Sadly, there is already a Grown Ups 3 in the works.

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A third Grown Ups is in the works.

Any Tyler Perry movie ever- Didn’t Martin Lawrence’s Big Mama’s House teach you anything Tyler? These movies are so beyond lame. I get that your empire is fucking huge and you are best friends Oprah and all, but do black people really respect that much to watch this shit? I didn’t even know when I was supposed to be laughing at any of the jokes. If you’re going to dress up in women’s clothing on the big screen, do it for a purpose like Jared Leto in Dallas Buyers Club. That way you only have one thing to be embarrassed for.

Scary Movie- Where to start here? Not only were none of these movies funny but there was little to no premise either. The spoof comedy genre is a tough one to crack and slap-stick comedy hasn’t been funny since Mel Brooks was regularly churning out hilarious knee-slappers. Instead, the 4 or 5 movies that have come out over time are just an extra way to earn a buck for the Wayans brothers. It’s shit like this that makes me forget that they ever came out with Blankman or Don’t Be a Menace to South Central.

The Karate Kid- The first movie was fucking amazeballs. Billy Zabka in any movie as the dick was amazeballs. But I can barely remember what happened in the second installment of The Karate Kid, mainly because not much actually happened. The only thing successful about this movie was the total sales in the box office. So it came as a surprise that a third movie came out with Hillary Swank. Sure, if you want to transfer to a female lead and keep plenty of male characteristics, then Swank is a perfect fit. But this movie wasn’t amaze-anything, it just sucked balls.

Teen Wolf Too- Besides the fact that Michael J. Fox was (and still is) a big-time actor, Jason Bateman just wasn’t up to par in a movie that went nowhere before it got started. The phenomenon of werewolves that is popular now didn’t really take off in the 80’s and the movie didn’t offer much else.

Legally Blonde- When you think about movies that filled a certain niche, Legally Blonde certainly fits the bill. Unfortunately, this wasn’t a story that was terribly interesting and the character depth had a lot to do with it. The second installment lacked much of a purpose and the only part that was remotely believable was how fucking prissy Reese Witherspoon and her character’s mother acted together.

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Legally Blonde 2 was another bust.

Dumb and Dumberer- Talk about a classic movie that just got butchered to hell with a sequel. There was a reason that a second movie hadn’t be made that soon after the first. Well, there were several reasons, one big one being that Jim Carey was busy making a shit-ton of money and being a fucking mega-star. But this movie should never have been made. You can’t go back in time with no-name actors and try to recreate a masterpiece. It just doesn’t work like that.

Dirty Dancing- This might not be a movie you’d expect to see me list here, but I’ve got news for you. I like a lot of corny shit. And Patrick Swayze movies are towards the top of that corny ass list. The first movie was basically a prime example of everything that was magnificent about 80’s movies. There were relatable characters, the script wasn’t ridiculously far-fetched, and there was a crazy-good motion picture soundtrack that made sitting and listening to the credits at the end of the movie totally worth it. I’ve tried to make myself watch the sequel, Havana Nights, a few different times on Netflix but it just never stuck. The second movie is lame as fuck and should never have been filmed.

Step Up- I’m not going to lie, I didn’t hate the second movie, The Streets. But that doesn’t mean it was good by any stretch of the imagination. It’s no surprise that Channing Tatum was a part of this illustrious group of movies. Aside from a random assortment of white people and Asian people dancing against black people (that would so outclass them in any real-life situation), there wasn’t much going on. The first movie could have been okay had the acting not been so terrible.

Jaws: The Revenge- There were 4 total Jaws movies. Jaws 2 was a pretty big waste of time for what happened overall in the movie. The third movie at the waterpark with Dennis Quaid was actually a pretty cool idea, albeit no way near realistic. But to continue to hammer away at one of the most memorable movies/theme songs ever is just a travesty. The fourth movie was terrible. Somehow Michael Caine was involved, but that was really the only highlight.

Any Halloween or Texas Chainsaw Massacre ever- The original movies that came out under the various titles of the old stories involving these characters were pretty epic. But the constant retreads that try to add an updated twist on the tales just make it worse and worse. To pile on top of the horrible plot twists is the fact that most of these actors at C-list at best.

Blues Brothers 2000- There’s no better way to fuck up the legacy of a truly awesome tandem of actors than to substitute the best half of them with a guy nowhere near on his level, but that’s what happened in Blues Brothers 2000. It’s nobody’s fault that John Belushi had since passed away, and John Goodman is a very good actor, but he’s no Belushi. Hell, Jim Belushi is no Belushi. So it makes very little sense to me that 18 years later they would come out with a second movie that just sucks in about every way possible.

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What an epic fail Blues Brothers 2000 was.

Staying Alive- For as interesting and uplifting as the message in Saturday Night Fever was, Staying Alive just should never have been given birth in the first place. Not surprisingly, the movie did well in the box office. Perhaps if there had been internet and social media it wouldn’t have fared so well.

Son of the Mask- I used to like Jim Carey and his movies. He seems to be on the same decline as Adam Sandler. Becoming a parent has made him weak and unable to be a constant dick, which doesn’t happen to everyone. Look at Bob Saget, he’s got a 20-something daughter and he’s as funny as ever. This movie just never should have been made. I don’t even remember whether it went to the theaters or not, but it’s clear that anything with Jamie Kennedy is going to suck.

Anacondas- Anything with a huge creature that no one can verify whether it is a real thing or not is generally not going to do so great. But when you have a headliner like Jennifer Lopez in your first movie then it’s tough to argue with people that go to see it. I am no fan of snakes. Certainly not my cup of tea. So that was obvi a scary movie for me, even for all the subpar acting. The sequels were really pathetic though. It became more about how big and crazy they could make the snakes and less about building much of a storyline.

Grease 2- John Travolta just loves being a part of shitty sequels, doesn’t he? Well this one doesn’t involve the male masseuse-loving actor, but he starred in the first one! Anyways, going from a movie with memorable original music and a non-generationally-biased story to a lame duck cast of actors (save a young Michelle Pfeiffer) and terrible music is likely to be a train wreck of a movie every time.

XXX 2- Anything with Vin Diesel isn’t very good (except Boiler Room, I liked that). Anything that is a sequel of a Vin Diesel movie that wasn’t even able to get him sucks by default.

Alvin and the Chipmunks 2 : The Squeakquel- As if you didn’t need the corny title to tell you this one was going to suck, the first live action version of the famed cartoon wasn’t very good to begin with. The songs chosen to be sung by the little guys were lame too. All this did was make me love the original version of the cartoon that much more. The fact that so many notable actors and actresses have been involved with the total of 4 movies is unfortunate.

Lost Boys: The Tribe- Corey Feldman wanted so badly to make a career for himself again. It didn’t happen with this movie. At least we will always have the original Lost Boys alone with The Goonies among others.

American Psycho II- The original movie was fucking awesome. It was funny, sick, creative, and never really reached the fame that it so deserved. The second movie, however, was terrible. It was straight to DVD and was only notable for having Mila Kunis and a William Shatner cameo. Shame on your Morgan Freeman for directing that piece of shit.

 

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