RANDOM BUT RELATIVE

A Cycle of Ineptitude

Yes, that is James Harden dating Khloe Kardashian (why? I don't know). But why are they hanging out with these winners?

Yes, that is James Harden dating Khloe Kardashian (why? I don’t know). But why are they hanging out with these winners?

The E! Channel’s Cycle House is hilarious and yet still not original by any stretch of the imagination. The premise of the show follows a handful of out of touch individuals from the LA-area around as they prepare for their career as stationary bike instructors (or life motivators as they seem to think). More focusing on the simple lives of an extra-stripper, brother/sister duo, and other over-dramatized characters doesn’t seem to provide much punch for a show that has to contend with the likes of The Kardashians and Caitlyn Jenner or whatever the name of the show is (though I may very well secretly be watching or forced to watch).

Cycle considers themselves the celebrities to the celebrities. I’d like to think that’s a direct quote but checking on that means watching that shit again and with all the re-runs on the E! Channel I’m not going to waste my time. Still, there are actually a few “celebrities” that make appearances from time to time. Though said celebrities are more attention whores whom already have existing deals with the home network rather than people you’d actually care about seeing. Getting paid thousands of dollars to ride a bike is hardly a skill. Having a nice ass is great for the cameras (and you will be able to tell real quick what I mean). But it’s not like these kids went to college for a degree in Exercise Science or anything that might actually prove that they have a fucking clue what they are doing. God damn Millennials finding an easy way to make a living with no talent.

I’d like to say more about a show that will inevitably make another appearance next year if only because there aren’t too many good reality shows out there/reality shows are a thing of the past when people actually wanted to forget about reality and feel like everything was alright. Now everyone is out there living and not interested in fame whores with little acting ability and even less human interest.

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SEX & MONOGAMY

Paternal Figure

8a82b357052eb442c6579d7bfca20576What the fuck are Dad Bods? Apparently it’s the new thing that women find themselves attracted to for whatever reason. It’s like saying, “I’m not big into working out so I want someone that is too”, without just saying that you like being fluffy. And it works on both ends of the spectrum. Dudes get to comfortably live without pushing to the brink. The common description of said body type is a gym physique up top with a slight beer belly (or pony if you will).

I’m guessing this is the male equivalent to women that wear Spanx. It’s now acceptable to be something other that what is truly acceptable because people have now lowered their standards. And why does this happen? I’m not completely sure. The body shaming of old has taken to the glorification of curvy bodies and women that once didn’t feel comfortable with their god-given figures. Now women feel lacking when they don’t have big butts and/or big boobs that fill those miracle bras naturally.

So could the Dad Bod be the male answer to the year(s) of the curvy body/big butt? I guess you’d have to seriously find this shit attractive. I can’t seriously advocate for such a decision. I know, I know; it should be the best thing ever. Guys can now do even less work to be considered hot (I moreso referring to the guys that gotta try- not myself specifically). But it’s the complacency of looking average or worse that doesn’t make me feel too good. Here’s to bros doing even less work to look attractive while women will work harder and harder to keep us satisfied (and likely fail unless unusually gifted).

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ETIQUETTE

That Guy: Who Makes Things Awkward

Everyone knows the guy that can’t shut up and just doesn’t understand when it’s okay to say certain things. We’ll call it “Foot-in-mouth” syndrome. Whether it’s saying shit at the wrong time when trying to take a girl home or an inability to recognize various social cues and causing utter silence; this guy just doesn’t get it.

d84149d2291d39b6685e46396656fde9It’s not always his fault. He’s a nice guy. Hell, he probably doesn’t get laid all that often and his eagerness to say that right thing ends up with him blurting out whatever he’s thinking. But the guy just doesn’t know when the right time is to open his mouth. And it’s not like it’s always a bro with a complete lack in skills or good looks. Then again, there are weird fucking people out there in all shapes and sizes. Still, it doesn’t make taking your friends out with you too fun.

He’s great at fantasy football and getting wasted on day-time benders, but there’s just no bringing this kid near girls you’re interested in. And we’ve all been that guy here and there. Seriously. You’ve been there. But don’t let it become a habit. Once a girl thinks you’re a creeper it’s a lost fucking cause. Nevermind what your intentions are, timing is key. Don’t be an asshole.

Too often that guy just continues to open his mouth and say shit that he wouldn’t say at any other point in time. He’s just such a social ruh-tard that he can’t understand why standing and looking pretty may actually give him a better chance of getting laid. Listen, when we go out we say stupid shit and there’s usually always someone to clean things up. But if you’re the dude that says the wrong shit and does it often then you’ll always be that guy. Most bros strike out with relatively regularity. You only hear about the successes. But if you don’t get up to bat, then you’re gonna be batting .000 for life.

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d033f0f1bb12b950c3acb4b8f2e048f7In no way is what DeAndre Johnson and Dalvin Cook did okay (half of which are no longer a part of the Florida State Seminoles football team). No words, actions, or otherwise is an excuse to hit a woman. We’ve seen this shit from Ray Rice, Greg Hardy, Ray McDonald, and several other non-football playing dudes in the last year and beyond. But what is the real root of the cause? There’s certainly a large group of people that believe that each offender has done this solely on their own. Yes. There’s no way that anyone else could and would be tried in any assault cases going forward. But what is it that has led us to this point?

Watching the various high school and college football movies and TV shows (i.e. Blue Mountain State, Varsity Blues, Friday Night Lights-the movie and TV show, etc., etc.) show off a culture of turning out an entire town or university just for the continued success of a football program. While said programs may eventually provide the kind of infrastructure that support an entire economy, it’s not enough of an excuse to let kids get away with anything and everything that they want. Remember, today’s current instant-gratification generation has made gifting these prima donnas cash, clothes, cars, and girls the idea that they are fucking untouchable.

The DeAndre Johnson case is curious in that they already are claiming that the girl shouted a racial epithet (aka she called him a nigger). Is that a copout? Maybe. Is it okay for this girl to get away with? Well, maybe she should have been kicked out of the bar in this particular instance. But you don’t prosecute someone based on one word. You also don’t punch someone in the face for that (and a punch from the girl). If a girl was relentlessly punching at me I’d probably push her away, but punching her back isn’t the right move. The other obvious thing we are overlooking is that Johnson is only 19 years old. Do most kids go into bars and drink underage? Yes. But that doesn’t make it any less illegal. At least that situation was caught on camera.

0929a09ff336b084975b3d8687f6a698A different co-ed was at a bar at closing and was being harrassed by a dude that wasn’t Dalvin Cook. When his advances weren’t received and she said that she had a boyfriend, Cook came into the picture boasting about how they were football players and that they would eventually have enough money to buy the girl (because all women are prostitutes, right?). What a fucking putz this guy is. As if being a complete sexist jerkoff wasn’t enough, he hassled the girl and her friend to the point to where they tried to get the dudes away and it got physical. Again, this situation had a witness and hopefully shit will hit the fan for both of these kids.

But this is just the tip of the iceberg. And this isn’t just at Florida State (for as much as I loathe that institution), it’s a nationwide problem that has already been brewing for some time now. Where does this issue start? Well that’s more than a one-part answer. Though the most general way to say it is: it starts with the fans. Maybe they are fans that have millions of dollars and sit on the board at a major university, but they are still fans. They are little kids that got picked last in gym class, they are grownups that missed their chances to become professionals due to injuries before or after college, and they are greedy old fuckers interested in making even more money.  Those guys are at the top. Then there’s the different committee members/coaches of the various athletic programs/any other enabler in the regular world possible. These are the people that dole out the direct commands to the doers. They take care of the corruption and are generally the ones the okay every stupid thing that the next group does. Which brings us to the people that always find themselves in the news in a bad light(i.e. the pom squad, the car salesman/memorabilia salesman, and the greeter/party planners of recruiting and catering to the privileged pricks of major college sports).

The NCAA has been an evil corporation for a long time (in spite of their 15-year disassociation with the state of South Carolina due to the Confederate flag and its significance-which is another issue entirely).  For as much money as they are likely to lose whenever college athletes do get paid for their likenesses; they will still be rolling in it. But starting to figure out where the madness starts will likely eradicate the situation (or at least hopefully in the next decade). My guess is it will only get worse, but we can always dream. Until then, football players will get off on obvious rape charges (even the ones that get tried and proven) and guys that do fucked up shit time and again will continue to get opportunities to make millions of dollars while those that literally whore themselves for the greater good of a college sports team (it’s really actually small-time stuff compared to the rest of your life) will still have to work for whatever they get in life. Time to set an example with these guys the same way the NFL did with Ray Rice (though let’s make sure they don’t make any money off of it like Rice did).