ETIQUETTE

Man’s Best Friend: 10 Reasons Why Every Bro Needs A Dog

Every bro needs a dog.

Every bro needs a dog.

I had a dog like 20 years ago when I was little and she died in one of the more dramatic ways possible. It was a family dog and I didn’t really bare much, if any, responsibilities pertaining to the dog. But just this past week my girlfriend and I adopted 6-month old puppy and so far I haven’t regretted it yet. When you make this kind of power move, it’s usually done for kids or company or other generic reasons that seem to escape me at this juncture. But for the common bro (especially the single bro) getting a dog is as much vanity as it is practicality. I’m not talking about fucking Paris Hilton-type shit either. Carry puppies around in purses doesn’t make sense at all. Where are they going to shit? Here are 10 reasons why every bro needs a dog:

1. Chick magnet. Seriously. Girls talk to ugly guys if they have cute dogs. They aren’t looking at your face. They are looking at the other drooling male standing before them and that one can’t speak English and say something incredibly stupid that will yield no results. And when else would you meet that hot girl at the dog park? It would be pretty weird otherwise.

2. Unconditional love. It sounds lame and played out, but if you are a single guy that’s not looking for commitment you still are looking for genuine affection every now and again. Your new dog will give you that without having to pay for dinner and fake listening or caring what they have to say.

3. Workout pal. Not everyone likes to work out with friends and I get it, but who’s going to be your motivation when it’s rainy and cold as hell outside in the middle of January? Not the asshole friend of yours that laying on his couch watching Netflix and scratching his balls. No. It’s your dog. The little guy is going to run after Frisbees and tennis balls and drag your ass behind him while you try to keep up on the track.

4. We’re all dogs at heart. They sniff out who they like the best and howl at them to no end. Sound familiar? They can sense when their owner is pissed or not, which is how they know how to take advantage of us. That also sounds familiar (but for a different reason.

5. Taste-tester. Feeding your dog on the daily isn’t a good idea because it will condition them to only eat your shit. But dogs supposedly have the ability to sense whether food you eat has certain allergies in it. Talk about a life-saver. Just make sure you don’t let your dog eat chocolate.

6. Ego-boost. For as good looking as you are, it helps having something or someone (assuming you are ready for the C-word, I’m talking about commitment get your minds out of the gutter) to enforce your hotness. Petting, playing, and just being with them in general is known to produces endorphins similar to working out.

7. Sunday Funday. If you’re not out at the bar getting sweated by all the females in the join then there’s a decent chance you are sitting home with bros watching football and pounding beers. If your team isn’t playing well, you might have a tendency to throw things and curse at the TV. Dogs generally have the kind of aura that promotes calmness and peace. Not saying you won’t get pissed and bark at the game more than the dog, but when you do he will calm you down.

8. Patience is a virtue. Girls take a long time to get ready. We are used to that. So what’s the big deal if your best buddy makes you wait a little bit while he literally gets shit done in front of you? And barking for a hot minute is really no worse than sitting on the phone for an inordinate amount of time while responding with timely quips to make the girl think you’re actually listening.

9. These hoes ain’t loyal. But your dog is. And so are you. Dog owners know how important it is to stick it out through the good and bad, which is obviously not something that every friend or stupid girl you’ve messed around with in the past might have learned.

10. The life of an alpha male. Dogs know what it is. Instead of doing whatever they are told from the outset, it takes a strong-minded, strong-willed individual with authority to take control. Dogs like that shit and likely will just take advantage of supersweet people that lay down every time they want something. You can love your dog and show him often without being a pushover.

 

 

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SPORTS

Free Will

The hit that caused a stir and made Jamaal Charles see "light bulbs".

The hit that caused a stir and made Jamaal Charles see “light bulbs”.

When is it enough? When will the concussion protocols of professional sports (namely the NFL) become so astringent that there won’t be the possibility for any potential debate over whether a player is healthy enough to come back into a game or play in the next one? I like Jamaal Charles. It sounds like he likes playing football. And unfortunately that might hurt him in the long run. I know several fantasy owners (myself included) that will be happy he’s playing for now. But a lot of what he said in an interview earlier this week about the hit he took last week against the Chargers and how it made him feel (he saw “light bulbs around” him) reminds me of a particular situation that has shaped my life in various ways (both positively and negatively).

As a kid that developed or at least only noticed my worsening ADHD by the age of 14, I didn’t like to show weaknesses (especially when they have domineering/important parental figures that expect the best). Asking for help was worse than not knowing and accepting that hard work was needed to achieve great things wasn’t any better. Through no fault of my parents (they had their own issues to deal with at the time), I found some way to coast through till 9th grade. I can confidently tell you that there was an issue with attention by the 6th grade, but when anyone asked I was okay. I didn’t want to complicate everything else that was already confusing and fucked up. It was easier to just do my best and hope I didn’t fall too fast too quickly.

I had just 3 B’s before 9th grade and whenever a grade did come close to falling, there was a panic to make sure it was contained and didn’t go beyond anything more than that. It wasn’t until my parents separated at the beginning of high school that things fell apart. That was probably the worst timing ever. Yeah, it sucked that they wouldn’t be together and that at times we would be apart from them. But the worst part about it was that I was able to use their issues as crutch for my shortcomings. Instead of admitting that I needed help and couldn’t be successful without figuring out a game-plan, I let everyone else believe that it was just some intentional act of a kid desperate for attention. Sure, that probably wasn’t completely false, but it wasn’t completely true. I needed help and if I hadn’t found it a year later I might not even be halfway to where I am now.

The point is, if you go completely on gut instinct you aren’t going to end up where you want. Even if you think it’s what you need, help is never a bad thing. Who knows, maybe Jamaal Charles’ injury isn’t as bad as most are assuming, but what if it is? What if the next hit takes him out for longer or ends his career? I don’t pretend to know how many unreported concussions take place in a given NFL season, but it wouldn’t be crazy assume that it’s more than just one. These situations are necessary for the NFL and its’ teams to understand the importance of acting in the now and taking care of their future pertaining to the various health insurance claims and lawsuits that come in result. Understand that something little that went unreported for me could have been the difference between alma maters or even going to college in the first place. For players like Jamaal Charles and other professional athletes, their entire life(line) could very well be in jeopardy.

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