A Make-Believe Game

9b46bb7a29915cdeb5005c1fd9f02100Fantasy football is quite possibly the second thing I most look forward to all year long. Not sure whether that’s sad or not, but I don’t really care what you think. Because I have so much experience both winning and losing fantasy football games, though I feel like you make or break your season based on drafting and I’m awesome at that. There’s a few ideas I have in mind to make fantasy football leagues go a little smoother.

First off, there’s not much we can do if it’s illegal to gamble online in your state but playing free games aren’t great for much else other than pride. All of these websites with leagues just need to put into place a mandatory 5 or 10 dollar charge for playing in the leagues. Maybe it should be more, but the payoff is always better than the risk of losing the money altogether. Perhaps that wouldn’t keep assholes from quitting midseason, but it would make it less common than it is now.

While the NFL is in full-effect with the popularity of West-Coast offenses and throwing the ball 40 times a game, defense is as important as it ever was. Still, defenses are largely annoying and not 100% reliable in fantasy play. The best defenses aren’t always forcing the most turnovers and putting getting scores and thus having a team that plays solid and doesn’t give up tons of points isn’t always going to yield a ton of points. Even if you have a good idea of how a team will perform, it’s still not as good of a percentage as the position players. This by no means is a plea to fantasy owners to join leagues that draft individual defensive players. Those drafts take way too long and are difficult to predict as the teams with the worst defenses usually have the best individual fantasy performers.

When it comes down to the draft day there needs to be changes as well. ESPN standard leagues have 90 second picks during the entire draft. While the last few picks of every draft tend to be throwaway picks and guys that you might drop as soon as you refresh your league page, they also tend to be breakout players that put an owner in a comfortable position for the course of a season. I remember picking Jimmy Graham in the 10th round of a PPR money league 3 or 4 years ago when he had yet to become a star and was rewarded handsomely for taking a chance. So fantasy leagues should make the first 7 or 8 rounds between 45 and 60 seconds and then keep the picks at the current 90 second interval. Everyone loves the excitement of the first few rounds, but no one likes how drafts drag on.

If you have a shitty internet connection or don’t show up on time for a scheduled draft it should be viewed the same as showing up late to work. Did I just compare fantasy football to work? You bet your ass I did. To some, fantasy leagues take that kind of time and effort. But to all, it’s much more enjoyable and is important for everyone that actually does show up on time. So if you aren’t able to get in on time there should be a penalty of waiting an additional pick and being forced to watch opposing teams fuck you over with an automated choice. If you don’t show up on time or log out once during a live draft that you signed up for 10 minutes ago on ESPN, then you default your right to pick the rest of your team. Everyone and their mother has Wi-Fi these days so there should be no excuses about losing connections. If you’re the asshole doing your draft from work and you have to keep closing the draft so your boss doesn’t see, then that’s just a chance you would be willing to take.

I love fantasy football and if it didn’t change one bit I would still be playing. Just like when the replacement referees were officiating games, no one stopped watching. But that doesn’t mean that there aren’t several things that should be taken a look at by the powers that be. I’m already getting started with drafts and as soon as the year gets within a couple weeks there will be some serious advice sent your way. Keep posted.


Be Offended

cc160f7b45313839a80c61399f7b0d62As if you needed another excuse to loathe Kanye West (yet still not completely hate him as an artist), then you should take a gander into the recent controversy surrounding his speech at his wedding with fame whore (mostly just whore) Kim Kardashian. The speech took a reported 45 minutes. The first reports were that the speech was just about himself but Kanye was quick to clear that one up. Apparently the speech was actually about how the treatment of celebrities is similar to the treatment of blacks in the 1960s. Yes, you read that correctly. Kanye West thinks being a celebrity is equal in any way to the treatment of being an African-American in the Civil Rights Movement. What?!?

It’s like we didn’t think Kanye West wasn’t a crazy fucking dude with an ego bigger than his manhood could ever be and a mouth even bigger than that. Doesn’t he have some kind of PR team and/or a lawyer that advises him on what he should and shouldn’t say. The other day Joan Rivers was on TV being interviewed and she had a lawyer on hand just to write shit down in case she really offended someone and was liable for being sued. She says outlandish shit all the time but it’s usually in jest. Kanye knows he’s a fucking asshole and he actually thinks he’s right. It seems more and more like West is about to make some Lauryn Hill-like proclamation that he’d rather have his kid die than a white person buy his records.

But for all the stupid shit Kanye says this has got to be the dumbest. Even worse, it’s not like he’s comparing being a celebrity to some era that only white people were being persecuted (although if for some reason he compared it to the Holocaust he’d probably have to be taken to Guantanamo Bay for eternity). This should be a topic that is well-versed in. As an individual that took courses in both African history and African-American history I am offended and I’m not even black. So if you’re not offended then you’re likely just blind. And not color blind or any of those terms that try to note make it about race but are secretly just making it about race. It’s enough that this asshole calls himself Yeezus, but what can be so bad about being a celebrity?

We get that he wants his daughter to grow up in a normal environment and have a chance to live her life. But that’s what happens when two mega-celebrities (I know I hate referring to Kim as such too) get married and bear offspring. Pretty sure there are millions of people out there that would give up a large chunk of privacy for millions of dollars for doing absolutely nothing ever. That’s what this kid has before she can walk or speak a word. Celebrities act out of control all the time. Having a maternal or paternal instinct is totally understandable, but to act like paparazzi are terrible people for wanting to take pictures of their kids is preposterous.

Furthermore, and most importantly, Kanye West had a mother who was very important to him. He got called out on Jimmy Kimmel’s show a few years back for his conduct on the MTV Video Music Awards and his treatment towards Taylor Swift. When asked what his mother would say or think in regards to his actions he broke down. Donda West was a scholar and English professor at Clark Atlanta University. She died at age 58 and thus lived through the period of time that he compared to the hardships of having your picture taken with fans and getting paid millions of dollars to show up at events and smile. It’s likely she faced the kind of racism that can only be found today in parts of the world that are constantly at war. You’d think he would have thought about what he said before he said it. But that’s what is so insane about the speech. This was at his wedding. He could’ve spoken about his life for his new wife or family or something else positive. This dude just keeps spewing negative shit and acting like his life is totally unfair. When he had a tough life growing up; woe is me. When he had his jaw broken and had to rap “Through the Wire”; woe is me. When he didn’t agree with George Bush Jr.; woe is me. When Beyoncé didn’t win the award for best album; woe is me. And finally, when he’s making millions (if not hundreds of millions of dollars) for having a talent to rap and marry a woman with a sex tape while apparently simultaneously becoming the only celebrity ever with a child; woe is me. You should be ashamed Kanye West. The people that fought for equality (white and black) didn’t do it so you could become this kind of person. Disgusting.


Disney’s 23 Best Songs From Animated Movies

49d47f4240dc105cfe5be0263a5e08cfLet’s be honest. Most of these songs will be from the 1990s because that was the best decade in the last 30 years (anything before 1980) when considering music, fashion, and any other type of entertainment. But there are a few that can get the older crowd a bit nostalgic. There are a few songs from movies that are good but not quite as memorable and/or are just instrumentals (i.e. anything from Fantasia). This is basically as a response to how well the song “Let It Go” has done from the movie Frozen which isn’t quite the same as the old animated movies. Anyways, here goes:

23. Heigh Ho. Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs. These dudes are hilarious and mostly fucked up during the movie. But when they weren’t busy being ridiculous they made time to do work. Who doesn’t catch themselves singing this shit randomly at any given point in time?

22. Wine (Drinking Song). Sleeping Beauty. I don’t even remember this shit from the movie but any song about drinking is good for me.

21. Gaston. Beauty and the Beast. What better than a song about the most awesome bro of all-time in Disney movie history?

20. The Work Song (Mice). Cinderella. The fat mouse single-handedly takes this song, and quite possibly the movie, over the top. I wish that bitch of a step-mother had walked in on them putting that dress together and tied her ass up.

19. Everybody Wants to Be A Cat. Aristocats. Not quite on the level as dogs for most people, this shit is catchy and isn’t a lie. I mean, who doesn’t want to spend their entire life chasing shit, eating, and sleeping? I guess some people do it but not with the ease of cats.

18. Whistle While You Work. Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs. For as annoyingly catchy as this song is I figured it needed to be included. However, you should never be that asshole whistling anywhere ever.

17. Bear Necessities. The Jungle Book. It’s a pun and it features a couple of the best characters that also ended up in Robin Hood and TaleSpin. Nuff said.

16. Colors of the Wind. Pocahontas. Vanessa Williams sang the radio version of the song and Mel Gibson’s crazy ass was the voice for John Smith. That’s enough to put this song from such a strong overall soundtrack up here.

15. A Part of Your World. The Little Mermaid. The part of the movie where Ariel swims to the surface is likely where you remember the song the best from, but Eric had it made. He had a hot chick who wanted to do whatever it took to be with him even if it meant being a human with no vocal chords. What more could you want from a hot chick?

14. I Just Can’t Wait to Be King. The Lion King. Not sure what makes this song so great. It could be the fact that Jonathan Taylor Thomas is supposedly singing or that it’s included in the best part of the video game for Super Nintendo.

13. Cruella De Vil. 101 Dalmations. A song about the biggest bitch of all Disney movies. Homeboy even essentially sang it in front of her stressed out self. Pretty ballsy if I say so.

12. Hakuna Matata. The Lion King. The first Disney animated movie to be taken to Broadway obviously has to have some great music. This song made sluts everywhere want to get the slogan tattooed on their body. Not sure whether that was a good thing or not.

11. Winnie the Pooh. Winnie the Pooh. This shit is a classic. Not exactly the best song or the most memorable, but it’s my list.

10. Bibbidi-Bobbidi-Boo. Cinderella. Can I sign up for a fairy god mother? Shit. This old broad was pretty bad ass.

9. Can You Feel the Love Tonight. The Lion King. Sir Elton John sings this one as well as one more on this list. I actually prefer the motion picture version but that’s just me.

8. Under the Sea. The Little Mermaid. Raise your hand if you had Sebastian’s Jamboree on VHS? I’m raising my hand. The little fuckin’ lobster could really sing.

7. When You Wish Upon A Star. Pinocchio. Who in this movie wasn’t a badass? That’s a serious question. This was basically the theme song for Walt Disney World commercials forever.

6. Baby Mine. Dumbo. The saddest and obvi one of my favorite songs is also a bit of tear-jerker. Didn’t you feel bad for the little elephant that couldn’t see his mother? Or are you a heartless bitch? Don’t answer that question.

5. Why Should I Worry?. Oliver and Company. All you really have to say is the name Billy Joel, but this movie is a little more than awesome at life and this song is good even if it weren’t in a Disney movie.

4. Beauty and the Beast (Tale as Old as Time). Beauty and the Beast. I sang this shit in 2nd or 3rd grade chorus and even if there weren’t some kind of connection it’s originally sung by Celine Dion and Peabo Bryson. Can’t beat that.

3. Circle of Life. The Lion King. The reason I wouldn’t put this song much higher is because it’s another one that they used Elton John to popularize when the motion picture version was just as good or better. As if this movie wasn’t fucking great on its own, the ending is just that much better because of this song.

2. A Whole New World. Aladdin. The two nobodies that sing this song better be receiving some fat ass royalties pay checks. I love me some magic carpet rides. No pun intended.

1. You’ll Be In My Heart. Tarzan. The movie itself wasn’t that bad, but was hardly a top 5 caliber movie. Phil Collins is just that great at life. I heard this song before I had even seen the movie and I thought it was pretty amazing. And Ray Lewis used to listen to Phil before getting ready for games. That should be all you need to know.