SPORTS

Summer Slump

4248ad227ef62f71beccd5cfabd90bd6Has anyone been watching the Women’s World Cup? It’s like watching the WNBA. They aren’t as athletic as the men and there’s nothing flashy (no WOW factor). I feel like I’m watching a one-armed blind dude play FIFA 15. There’s just no execution. Some of the top teams had players with good ideas, they just happened to play at such a slow speed that you know what’s going to happen by the time they get ready to do it. And who are these players? Years ago I could’ve told you a couple names on Brazil like Pretina (spelling?) and Katia. And there were a couple Swedes with recognizable names among other countries. And while parity is great for all sports, having a few more teams do well with even more players with names that no one cares for just doesn’t help the situation. I can’t even tell you more than 6 or 7 names from Team USA. Maybe someone should take their shirt off again. But please make it an attractive one.

Then you watch the NBA and NHL playoffs, or do you? Neither of these sports has been compelling enough to pay much attention. Hockey has never been terribly popular in America, and nothing about this season changed my mind. And it would’ve been nice to see Cleveland win something for the first time in 50 years. But it’s Cleveland and they will continue to lose because who wants to be there, right? Even having the best player in the world (and it’s not really close) might not be enough. Then again, I’d liken the past season to the first in Miami for Lebron James. He took a group of old dudes with small contracts and role players to the NBA Finals.

There is hope for Major League Baseball. Tons of teams are still in the hunt for a playoff spot. While that might make teams less trigger-happy on trades, there will be plenty of interesting games as the season goes on in spite of it’s obnoxious length. And yet there are less fireworks on offense this year. Pitchers haven’t been historically good. Offenses have just been historically bad. Perhaps steroids should be legal. And what’s with the Kansas City Royals starting essentially everyone on the All-Star team? Fan voting will inevitably make more sense in the future, but what about right now? It would be fine if everyone in the KC lineup deserved the nod. Hell, they are having a very good year even after losing some key players to free agency after a surprise World Series run last year. But Kansas City isn’t that populated of a city and I can’t imagine why anyone would be a fan of them outside of the their own state or states (why does KC Missouri have teams instead of KC Kansas? dumb).

And finally, Wimbledon is just about upon us. Roger Federer continues to play well in spite of his age and the other big 4 (who are much younger- Novak Djokovic, Andy Murray, and Rafael Nadal) are all experiencing different ups and downs.  Rafa isn’t the same guy of a couple years ago. It’s sort of like watching Lleyton Hewitt after he married that Australian soap opera actress and became a shit player. There’s just always an injury with Nadal or he’s playing at less than full strength and looking like a shadow of himself. Andy Murray has been solid if unspectacular since, though he’s not a fun personality so unless he’s winning then it’s pretty boring to watch. And the Djoker has gone from being a likable player to entirely too obnoxious for words. So you know I hate Stanislas Wawrinka. Boy, is that guy a dick?!? At least we get to watch John Isner and Ivo Karlovic beam aces for a few rounds. Maybe Serena Williams should play in the men’s field. I’m slightly kidding. Mainly because she and her sister tried playing bros years ago and got put their place (the place of a woman…..kidding, but kinda not).

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I’m not even sure what video I just posted, but if you haven’t seen the young Knicks fan crying about Kristaps Porzingis being chosen with the #4 pick in the NBA Draft then take a look. You’d think this kid would be crying because he’s a Knicks fan. How does that shit happen anyways? He’s probably 8 years old. NY hasn’t been good since Patrick Ewing left for the Magic. Anyways, good luck living down this moment little man!

ETIQUETTE

The Pretentious Bourgeois

This is what you wish your life was like.

This is what you wish your life was like.

Oh you fancy, huh? For as much as poor people seem to hate rich people, they sure don’t mind using names more appropriate for those of privilege. This didn’t just pop up out of nowhere. People have been naming their kids crazy shit for at least 30 years. African Americans (because let’s be honest, white people sure aren’t doing it) have been giving their kids names with a little French thrown in here and there. Yes, there’s names that don’t phonetically make sense. But that’s more on the individual than anything. White people of the lower class (or basically anyone that’s not a mulit-millionaire) have been naming their kids names only found in old money New England.

Now everyone and their mother wants to name their pretentious shit that they would likely only have named their dog. I’m not saying your kid will get beat up for having a waspy name, but your kid will likely get beat up for having a waspy name. Maybe in the next 10 years there will be so many idiots naming their kids Bentley, Preston, Parker and whatever else you can think of that the kid that gets beat up is the kid named Mike. But I doubt it.

It’s not like anyone is going to forget that you were on 18 and Pregnant or that you have a tramp stamp of Brett Michael’s face or that your significant other (because you’ll never “really” get married) has cousins that are your cousins. I get the whole idea of trying to be trendy or whatever I guess. Except this is your kid’s name, not yours. So what if you didn’t make it to the NFL or the 11th grade? Don’t set your kid up for failure before they’ve even taken a step. Conversely, it’s just like whoever’s bright idea it was to name Destiny (I know it spelled it wrong, but what constitutes spelling it right?) Hooker. Didn’t her parents know that she’d sound like a stripper at a club with midgets missing appendages and patrons missing their sight?!?

This is what your life actually looks like.

This is what your life actually looks like.

Ridiculous. I know of a kid who named his daughter a mix of two names of girls he wasn’t friends with in high school. Divulging the names would give it away, but know that they weren’t names were common by any means. So just stop with all the dressed up names. No one thinks your kid is any smarter, nor do you look any fancier.

 

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