That Guy: Who Flaunts His Wealth

Counting your money in plain sight, really? Someone needs to be slapped. Wait. That already happened.

Counting your money in plain sight, really? Someone needs to be slapped. Wait. That already happened.

Whether you’re made of money or a baller on a budget, chances are you have at least one friend with some kind of freedom to make it rain. But this guy is a lot like the dude that everyone thinks is cocky. Confident guys are cocky too, they are just quiet about it. Rich people spend there money. Sometimes they spend it in bunches. But this kind of bro is the one who has money and wants everyone to know about it.

There’s lots of good and bad that comes with hanging around this guy, but it’s mostly bad (especially when it’s not summertime). Have you ever bought shots for friends because another friend is buying shit and looked like a fucking cheapskate in comparison? Well, chances are happens often around this friend and he lets you know about it. Often.

Perhaps you don’t buy drinks at the bar anymore, likely because you got smart and realized that has nothing to do with getting laid or you didn’t graduate from college six months ago and you finally have some bills to pay other than the bar tab. There’s nothing more frustrating than dealing with this guy if his intentions are to do anything other than have fun.

Back in college I was that guy. I had another friend who was that guy for a short period of time. But then he failed out, so that doesn’t really count. Towards the end of college we had keggars every weekend and there was one main benefactor (sometimes I bought them all on my own). We’d go to this one beat up bar/strip club. Yes, you heard that right. AND the strip club was BYOB. But it was Middle America and the strippers were either underage or pregnant. Sometimes both. Yuck. Anyways, they had a Wednesday night special of dollar Jager Bombs. The shot glasses weren’t standard and it probably wasn’t really red bull. But the idea was there and so was the epicness of walking into the bar and lining up endless shots.

There’s an alluring feeling of greatness when you’re that guy. The issue isn’t how it makes you feel, but how it makes you look. Overcompensating. Insecure. Pompous. Cocky. The list goes on of colorful adjectives that were chosen to describe my antics and likely those your friend encompasses. A lot of it really comes back to the old money/new money argument that you will likely get if you travel somewhere up north(east). Or maybe it’s even sort of stuck in the division of rich and wealthy. Wealthy people save and invest and their kids and extended family members have their own money. Rich people spend and spend and sometimes give out money to others. But it doesn’t directly effect their family members and anyone in the future. If you’re smart, you’ll put the kid in his most. If he’s nice, you would never have had this problem in the first place.


Have It Your Way. Every Morning.

2006_84_ 159The term “value menu” has taken a hit over the years. You used to be able to buy a huge feast of awesomeness at Wendy’s for under 10 bucks. McDonald’s used to have a two cheeseburger meal for 2 dollars. Prices at these big food chains and others have since risen to prices that of big tourist-driven areas of old. Buying greasy burgers and fries must really be important if you want to spend 20 in New York City. What a waste of money. Yet there is one thing that still makes me smile at McDonald’s.

The breakfast value menu isn’t a complete “value”, but it’s much better than sit-down places that overcharge and ask for a tip. You can still get bacon, egg, and cheese or sausage. It’s not quite the same as going to the bagel place down the street but it’s better than paying 4 extra dollars for questionable quality. What’s better? They serve till 11am. Most people probably aren’t eating lunch that early or breakfast that late. But if you’re eating at McDonald’s on the regular then you aren’t most people, are you?

For all the sketchy fast food out there that you can know whether someone is spitting in your shit or not, Mickey D’s keeps it simple. This is especially clutch if you’re one of those people that can’t wait long enough to make your own coffee and just has to spend an inordinate amount of money for a label at Starbucks. For all we know the eggs might not be eggs, the cheese might be made with a milk substitute, and sausage/bacon might come from the wrong kind of animal. But when you’re looking to satisfy that early morning craving and don’t want to break the bank, check into old faithful and have it your way.


The Infallible NFL Week 16 Straight Picks

As the season comes to a close and you have little left of fantasy football to hold onto, be happy that the playoffs are right around the corner and sports never really end in this country. So after a week of a few surprises and a couple more close games we come to a week filled with games that are either really good or really bad. Let’s take a look.

Week 15 13-3 Overall Record 156-67

Tennessee at Jacksonville. These guys are so bad it’s tough to choose who’s worse. Jaguars 23, Titans 17

Philadelphia at Washington. The Skins finally found their QB of the future and now he’s out for the final two games. Aw shucks! Kidding! Wouldn’t be surprised to see this one stay close. Eagles 38, Redskins 34

It's do or die for San Fran, can Anquan Boldin lead the way?

It’s do or die for San Fran, can Anquan Boldin lead the way?

San Diego at San Francisco. San Diego isn’t terribly scary and the 49ers have been terrible. If Jim Harbaugh goes to Michigan then he should do everyone and favor and stay there. In other news: for as good as Philip Rivers was in the first half of the season, he’s been that bad in the second half. 49ers 27, Chargers 23

Atlanta at New Orleans. Well, this is for all the marbles. Still wouldn’t be surprised to see both of these teams with losing records in the end. If Julio Jones is playing (and not just a decoy) then this should be close. If not, it’s not a contest. Saints 41, Falcons 24

Detroit at Chicago. I get why Trestman is making this decision. He needs someone to throw all the blame on. Did anyone else outside of Chicago know that Jimmy Clausen was still in the NFL? Lions 28, Bears 19

Cleveland at Carolina. Cam Newton is going to force himself to come back and it might not even matter depending on how the Saints play. The Browns had such a promising start. Does anyone like Manziel? Panthers 24, Browns 23

Green Bay at Tampa Bay. The battle of the….bays?!? Oh well, Aaron Rodgers is rolling. Packers 38, Buccaneers 21

Kansas City at Pittsburgh. A tough choice, but the Steeler offense is doing so well right now it would take an extraordinary performance from the Chiefs to keep them under wraps. If KC decides to limit Jamaal Charles’ touches then this could get outta hand. Steelers 31, Chiefs 27

Minnesota at Miami. Miami has been on a bad skid for about a month. The Vikings defense isn’t terrible, but the Fins can’t lose this game. Dolphins 17, Vikings 7

New England at New York Jets. Rob Gronkowski has been better than expected this season. Everyone on the Jets is struggling. Patriots 34, Jets 14

Baltimore at Houston. The Ravens defense had a good one against a bad opponent. The defensive secondary is weak in Baltimore, but can anyone get the Texan receivers the ball? Ravens 28, Texans 20

Robert Quinn is an absolute beast.

Robert Quinn is an absolute beast.

New York Giants at St. Louis. It’s tough to trust either of these teams. Let’s roll with the young defense here. Rams 31, Giants 24

Buffalo at Oakland. Buffalo had one hell of a performance against the Pack last week. The Raiders are…well, they are the Raiders. Bills 30, Raiders 13

Indianapolis at Dallas. Why do I have confidence in Tony Romo? Cowboys 35, Colts 24

Seattle at Arizona. Somehow the Cards got through last week, but without even a back-up quality starter they will struggle against a jacked up defense. Seahawks 24, Cardinals 10

Denver at Cincinnati. The Bengals have been up and down all year. Unless the running game is going, I’m guessing Andy Dalton will be pretty bad. Broncos 40, Bengals 28


Bigger is Better. Or Lamer.

bigjohnsonNot that wearing “funny” or expressive t-shirts is necessarily out at the moment (however that’s for a completely separate reason), but don’t you remember particular shirts that made you just shake your head any time you saw them on someone? Well, some of the included shirts were, but weren’t limited to, Big Dogs and Big Johnson. There were also the Calvin and Hobbes shirts that eventually became more common as decals on pickup trucks, but another extra-lame shirt that people wore were those “If you’re not living close to the edge” ones. I’d like to think it was from a Mountain Dew commercial, but either way it was exceedingly pathetic.

I admit, in all my glory, I’ve had some different t-shirts that say funny shit. But I’d like to think they weren’t as commonly worn (as the manufacturer was small-time and West Coast-based). There’s just something about the shirts that either scream insecurity or make you wonder who actually thought that shit was funny.

bigdogsWhatever, I guess it was the cool thing for kids to wear in middle/early high school years. It was as close kids were going to come to wearing something racy at school without getting sent home. However, if someone had those shirts lying around I’d be curious if they still wore. I’ve only seen them on actual dogs, but I’m pretty sure there was a whole fucking Big Dogs Outlet somewhere in America. So there’s undoubtedly someone, somewhere (likely in Middle America) that wears the fuck outta those things.


A Common Courtesy

It doesn’t take much to make me happy. Oh, don’t get me wrong. I am a way too high-maintenance for my own good, but sometimes it’s just the little things that make me happy. And all too often it feels like people suck on purpose because they know at any given moment someone will be annoyed. So without delving too much into the racial divide that has taken over every aspect of national interest over the past month, I’d like to speak on something that is character-defining and doesn’t make a difference whether you are white, black, brown, red, green, gay, straight, lesbian, Christian, Muslim, Jewish, etc., etc., etc.

parkIt wasn’t one particular incident that drove this feeling out of me and there’s certainly no general expectation for every last person alive to have prim and proper manners, but there’s one thing that reminds me each and every day that there are genuinely good people in the world. Have you ever been walking through your town/city/neighborhood and had someone waved and say, “Hey, how are ya doing”? Maybe you don’t need a best friend or someone to listen. Maybe you don’t want to talk and have somewhere you need to be. Maybe you weren’t even really paying attention and weren’t sure what this random stranger just said. No matter.

When someone smiles and says hello or even just says something friendly or generally positive in your direction it can make you forget about everything else you have in mind. And it’s what leaves the glimmer of hope that you might have that we aren’t doomed to continuously repeat mistakes as a society. But let’s keep this small-scale. It’s the difference between thinking a person is polite and decent and thinking a dude is a complete fucking d-bag. Even if said guy really is a dick but is nice in that moment, it’s worth assuming and looking for the best in someone.

Conversely, and it’s seen all too often, people walk through small streets with few people walking past each other and barely speak a word. Hell, I’d take a fucking head nod or some guy looking directly at me and continuing to walk. You can point to racial profiling (on either side) and you can make excuses all day, but at the end of the day these people have to live with it. Unfortunately, there aren’t many people that say “excuse me” or “thank you” or anything else that generally constitutes some form of acknowledgment and that shit is just sad.

No person that keep up a façade all day every day being nice when they are a complete Debbie-downer, but when someone greets you with pleasantries just suck it up and say it back. No one expects you to become fast friends in the middle of the street. They just expect to you to treat them like an actual equal human being. So this holiday season I’d ask that you try something for me. You don’t have to be nice any more often than usual. You can be a dick all the time for all I care. But when you’re walking down the street and you have a chance to look up and say, “Hey, how are you doing”? Make the most of your opportunity. It’s the little things.